1/ Well done, but sadly you fail to cover what is being asked in IELTS report writing. As per IELTS writing band descriptor Task 1, candidates are instructed to present clear overview with the main trends if they want to score a higher ( 7 or above in TA). I did not see any improvement as suggested in the descriptor. If I were you, then I'd take the general trend from 2000 to 2050 as the main discussion and then break it into two or three different data. Afterwards, those are put in a brief summary of the report. These are as follow:
- a gap between 2000 and 2050
- Changes among the years.
2/ A good paragraph consists at least 3 sentences in a row. By doing so, you are more likely to meet the requirements in CC & GRA. Also, What stands out from your writing is some sentences are not well developed. As viable solutions: For the opening statement, you simply paraphrase the prompt given, but it is always better to start it with the second or the third idea, not the first one as majority students do. The following paragraphs are supposed to be a topic sentence followed by some data taken from the overview you make.
First and foremost,
Plenty different with previous,
Keep your summary succinct and straight to the point. Some phrases as I highlight sound too bulky as majority students use them when it comes to IELTS essay. Not only this, using too many empty phrases will have your score deducted.
Hope this helps :)