Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

IELTS population growth (let the governments decide if you can have children or not)


samenmohammad 10 / 19  
Jul 25, 2012   #1
Task 2 IELTS:
Countries such as China and India have unsustainable population growths. In fact, many experts are of the opinion that the population explosion which is a very worrying concern, is the most serious threat to life in this planet. Give some suggestions to address this problem.


In this modern world, population growth has been a major problem. In some countries, there isn't a proper plan to address this problem.
In this piece of writing, I would like to express my personal views about the measures which countries like China and India could design to control their population growth.

There are many ways which people and government could take into consideration that help nations to control their population growth rate. Firstly, the most important suggestion is to educate people in the control of birth rate. Because people who specially live in underdeveloped countries, are not aware of the negative effect of this issue. So, enlightening people have direct impact on birth rate and then the population. Secondly, government should introduced new rules to confine people to have the minimum number of babies. For example, in my country, states have limited the amount of subsides given to families which have more than three babies. After applying this policy, birth rate reduced by 1 percent.

Finally, media could have an important role in this issue. As people involved with newspapers, TV, advertisement and other kinds of program during the day, media could help people in this way. For example, a good film, created by a famous director about the population growth and its effects on our lives would attract and affect large number of people.

Personally I think that the most effective measure to deal with population growth is the role of governments, because they have a great responsibilities in this issue. Besides, experiments show that their rules could have the best results in reducing the birth rate.
ana_p 27 / 81  
Jul 25, 2012   #2
Hi,

I like your essay, good reasons provided, but I think this is a very short essay. Try to work on following points which will help you to extend your essay:

1.Structure of essay. As you have given two ways in body para, you can divide that in two paras and then explain in detail. This will help you to clear your ideas.

2.In third para, red marked word (finally)mentions that your going to end here, but again you are adding one more para with your opinion. Try to avoid this.


Finally, media could have an important role in this issue. As people involved with newspapers, TV, advertisement and other kinds of program during the day, media could help people in this way. For example, a good film, created by a famous director about the population growth and its effects on our lives would attract and affect large number of people.

Personally I think that the most effective measure to deal with population growth is the role of governments, because they have a great responsibilities in this issue. Besides, experiments show that their rules could have the best results in reducing the birth rate.

Try to arrange your essay in a proper structure.

Good luck!!

Thanks,
Ana.
bingle2012 7 / 11  
Jul 25, 2012   #3
Overall, I think you'd better try to use more cautious expressions like can/may, instead of the following. It can make your argument more sound

So, enlightening people have direct impact on birth rate and then the population.

Also, there are some verbs mismatching with the objects, like:

In this piece of writing, I would like to express my personal views about the measures which countries like China and India could design to control their population growth.

would "take" be better than "design"?

Finally, media could have an important role in this issue.

you should say "play a role" or "have a role to play"
OP samenmohammad 10 / 19  
Jul 26, 2012   #4
Hi Dear Ana,
I think your ideas is great.... but I think "Finally" is not a bad start when I used "firstly" and "secondly" in that paragraph.

Your Idea about dividing my opinions to more paragraphs is complete. I forgot it....

Thanks

and Dear Bing Le
You helped me a lot

Thanks
ana_p 27 / 81  
Jul 26, 2012   #5
Hi Mohammad,

I did not say that it is wrong or bad, it is absolutely correct to use finally , but that should be in a last conclusion para. You have used that in last but one para.

Hope this helps!!

Ana.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS population growth (let the governments decide if you can have children or not)