The first thing you should pay attention to is what tense should be used in your essay. In this kind of task, you should use simple past tense when reporting the features of 2000 and future tense for 2050. Also, your essay is too long (331 words - it is even longer than a Task 2 essay). In the real test, you have to complete 2 essays in only one hour so make sure to spend your time wisely.
This pie chart indicates the portion of different ages of the population, including 0-14 years, 15-59 years and 60+ years in Yemen and Italy in 2000 and plan for 2050.
The pie charts illustrate the changes in the proportion of different age groups in Yemen and Italy in 2000 and 2050.
the ages of population from 0-14 years old
the population aged 0 - 14 years old
has the greatest percentage in 2010
accounted for the highest percentage in 2010
half of population of this country, 50.1%
around half of the country
plays an important role in total number of Yemen's population
took up the second highest proportion. "Play an important role" is the wrong phrase in this case.
has 46.3 %
portion of people
I think "proportion" is a better word. Portion means a part of something.
increasing by 11%
which partly illustrates why the percentage of 0-14 years old people decrease 12.9% until 2015.
You don't need to explain in Task 1 essay.
the amount of people
the number of people
Both are wrongly used in this essay. It should be "the proportion of" or "the percentage of"
are the substantial figures
took up the largest proportion
it would have been dropped
it is projected to drop
people over 60 years old are becoming popular more than ever
the percentage of elderly people are predicted to increase
the most popular ages
I don't think "popular" is the appropriate word.
Italy would have to pay a large amount of money for social welfare unless government will find out precautions from increasing the old people number.
This is not necessary.