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The portion of those who own devices by four different categories in Vietnam during 6-year period

tan_hao_hcmut 1 / 2 1  
Sep 9, 2017   #1

Line graph: Device Ownership

The line graph illustrates the portion of those who own devices by 4 different categories in Vietnam during 6-year period from 2006 to 2012. Overall, all types of ownership increased over the period, with the highest volume belonged to CD player and the least for Tablet.

As can be inferred from the chart, the data of Table appeared from 2008 by only around 10% but soared cross the 2 next years to just under 32%. This rising trend continued and ended at 42 approximately in 2012. It is worth noting that CD player and Home computer almost increased constantly during the time from 2006 to 2012, with around 30% higher ratio by CD player. While Home computer stated at nearly 30% in 2016, after rising to over 55% in 2012, this figures for CD player were under 60% and 82% respectively. In contrast, there were some fluctuations in the development of Mobile phone. To be specific, the stage from 2009 to 2010 witnessed a level-off of 42%, 1 year later rising significantly by 22%. In addition, Mobile phone began just 18% lower than the number of Home computer but finished with the second highest of approximately 60% in 2012.

1) Can this essay get band 6.0?
2) Do I have to separate the introduction and overview into 2 different paragraphs?
okorobiadimma14 6 / 82 50  
Sep 9, 2017   #2
Huy, it is hard to tell the band score your essay can fetch because it is impossible to do a wholesome assessment of your write-up since you failed to post both the prompt and the line graph you are trying to describe. You need not separate the paraphrase of the prompt from the overview statement. However, based on its content, this essay cannot get up to 5 band. The first reason is your inability to adhere to rules of English grammar and improper use of tenses in some parts of the essay. Another obvious reason is that your essay lacks conclusion. The transition phrase 'in addition' does not depict a concluding statement, it only buttresses previous statements made in the preceding lines. Also, the first paragraph contain only 2 sentences, in which case it cannot be regarded as a paragraph because a typical paragraph is made up of at least 3 sentences. I cannot tell if you actually did a proper description of the information in the line graph because I need to look at the graph before I make such comment.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,560 4442  
Sep 9, 2017   #3
Gia, in response to your first question, there is now way that this essay can be accurately scored because of the missing image. Without the image, there is no way we can compare your report with the requirements of the analytical presentation. That said though, I can tell you that this essay is not going to score very well based upon its current form. That is because you did not create separate paragraph discussions for the information that you are presenting. A task 1 essay is expected to be anywhere from 3-4 paragraphs in length, composed of 5 sentences at the maximum, each. That formatting problem already created a problem for you in terms of the TA of your essay as it doesn't follow the required presentation format.

The decision to create a combined introduction and overview or separate presentation of the two is actually something that is up to the writer. There is no right or wrong way of writing that part, only a more accurate way of doing so that will help the test taker to gain a better overall score. Although, combining the two sections into one paragraph usually results in a higher scoring consideration in the end.
macdavis70 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2017   #4
It is hard to tell if you can get a 6 because you didn't post the prompt. If you did I would say you got lower because there are some grammar mistakes and you are missing some image of the line graph. If you posted the line graph your essay would make a little more sense. To answer the second question yes you should separate the introduction and overview it would help with your score.
OP tan_hao_hcmut 1 / 2 1  
Sep 10, 2017   #5
I uploaded the image. This is a simple graph to practice, not from IELT exam.

I couldn't upload the image somehow although its error message says due to file size or type but I think the png with 187k is a good one
sfiza 17 / 28  
Sep 11, 2017   #6

The line graph illustrates the portion (...) different types the proportion of ownership of devices in Vietnam during the 6-year period ... always introduction will be simple sentence and give main trend in here

Overall, (...) over the time in questiontime in question period, with the (...) CD player and Tablet occupied least.

... around 10% but soared this word is commonly used for significant changes like rise from 20% to 70% chant during the next 2 years to ...
... figures for CD player were around 60% and just above 82% respectively.

In contrast, there were some fluctuations ... a significant changes in the use of mobile in the timeline.

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