Essay for IELTS: The position of women in society

Topic:The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now expierence such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children.

A lot of people in the world think that in the past two decades there was a considerable rise in the role of women in society and considering the work as a priority caused some social changes as well as adult-related crimes. Personally, I think that it is not direct cause if the dramatic increase in crimes like that.

It is obvious that in the last years the percentage of workoholic women has increased dramatically compared with male workers. Clearly, in the past more and more women were busy with domestic duties and nowadays many of them prefer to work in offices instead staying at home. Mothers are atriving to work and to achieve more success during their career. Sometimes occasions like that may cause negative features in society such as childhood crisis. Spending a lot of time alone and being less cared by parents are increasing the levels of stress among children. New generation can not obtain support of parents when they need it. By the way, many youth are getting accustomed to do things what they want without considering its negative and positive points. Maybe, because of these drawbacks in society crimes among juveniles are increasing year by year.

On the other hand, there are many positive effects of increasing women labourforce. First, after graduating from universities young women are trying to find work and to be financially independent because now it is not option being financially obidient to someone. Secondly, allowing women to have a job and earning extra money gives opportunity to increase family budjet. Thirdly, educating mothers can give financial and moral support to their offsprings. Because by workingin offices their worldview, knowledge rises. Mothers should be a good tutor for their children. To be a good tutor they should know what is happening all over the world.

In conclusion, I prefer to think women should work in part-time jobs while their children are at school, kindergarten as well. On the other hand, if they consider work as a priority they should use the help of babysitters to care about their children. It is important to keep the correct balance between family life and working life. Because if this balance breaks there would be some drawbacks in society like childhood crisis.

*Mothers are striving to work...
You have have many spelling mistakes, you should correct.
Also Your sentences are pretty short, make them more professional.

The content you have provided is good, but could use more examples. Such as why do kids need time. Also how and who influnces kids to do the wrong things when no on is at home to watch them. Such as freinds, or even the internet nowadays, can have a really bad influence on kids, if there is no one to watch what the kids are doing on the computer.

Right after this sentence, before you end the first paragraph, I think you should add one more sentence. Add a thesis statement that sums up your whole essay. Can you express the main idea of the essay in one sentence?

Spending a lot of time alone and being less cared for by parents, children are experiencing an increase in their levels of stress. The new generation cannot obtain...

By the way, many youth are getting accustomed to doing what they want without considering its negative and positive points.

On the other hand, there are many positive effects of increasing women labourforce. ------Of course there are... but I don't think this should be the focus of the essay. Your argument should be like this: Women and men both can earn money, and they both can raise the children, because gender equality is appropriate in the modern world.

In conclusion, I prefer to think women should work in part-time jobs while their children are at school, kindergarten as well. -----Okay, but I don't think they should work part time. If a woman has a career she loves, she can work full time while the man stays home! :-)