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IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years.


eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 22, 2014   #1
Hellooo Freinds...

I'm preparing an IELTS exam. I need feedbcak. Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar.

Question:
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. Discuss.

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Answer:

There will always be someone to blame for a problem arose in the society. We can take a look at government for example. Government becomes the one that is blamed by many groups of people when there are problems in some sectors including economy and politic. In fact, we know that government should not be the only one that is blamed as there are other factors that are related to the emergence of the problem.

Similarly, a career woman is mostly blamed for current condition when level of juvenile delinquency is increasing. The fact that many women decide to work becomes the main reason for blaming them. Many groups of people think that career women are no longer placing family as her priority these days as they are busy working.

Personally, I disagree with this judgment. A career woman should not be the one who is merely responsible for young generation's development. Environment, family, and technology are also determined a lot in forming the characteristics of young generation.

Environment which covers school and friend could affect the level of juvenile delinquency. When a child is stuck in a wrong group where they spend most of their time, they will be influenced to do the same actions. At the same time, family is also a determining factor for a child's future. In this context, mother plays a big role, but other family members such as father and the child's sibling also hold a great influence as they become first persons to talk to. Furthermore, the improvement of technology nowadays could lead children to do some bad sections as well since they get free access from internet which enables them to walk in inappropriate path. Well, it is true that technology has two sides in life, both positive and negative.

In conclusion, I believe that being a career woman is not merely a factor for the increasing level of juvenile delinquency. Therefore, in order to decrease its number, there should be coordination among related sides to go hand in hand in coping it.

Atakeielts 5 / 13  
Feb 23, 2014   #2
There will always be someone to [...] these days as they are busy working.

interesting logic :) but the explanation is not really detailed enough. for e.g.

Government becomes the one that is blamed by many groups of people when there are problems in some sectors including economy and politic.

in what problems? what do you mean by politic problems ?
german89 2 / 3  
Feb 23, 2014   #3
Similarly, a career woman is mostly blamed for current condition when level of juvenile delinquency is increasing
Dear Eddies
as I concern, your writing is containing a good word choice within collocation of academic words, but you should be maintaining the list of paraphrase words.

Definitely, you should avoid words from question.

Regard
German89
septem1821 3 / 24 7  
Feb 23, 2014   #4
The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. Discuss.

here, we need to write about two topics here
1)how the role of women has changed in the last 20 years--give few examples ( for the first sentence in the question) . I believe that the first paragraph should be related to this context

2)you gave great explanation for your disagreement ( for second sentence in the question).

Thanks
dumi 1 / 6,930 1592  
Feb 24, 2014   #5
There will always be someone to blame [...] to the emergence of the problem.

Well, this whole para is totally out of topic. This task is a time bound task for which you need follow a structure that helps you earn marks and manage time. I think the above para would put you in lots of trouble at the real exam :(
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Mar 7, 2014   #6
Heloo Dumi..., It has been 2 weeks from the off since I posted this writing. I really expect this two-way interact with you :D
Yes. I also felt this

Well, this whole para is totally out of topic.

. From the first para, what I tend to emphasize is to show the readers the current issue regarding the topic of the prompt. Then, coming the second para, here did I write for the topic

a career woman is mostly blamed for current condition when level of juvenile delinquency is increasing.

Is this (para 1 & 2) not good paragraph constructions? or can this fairly uncommon way be an acceptable offer because this is closely linked into the following paras particularly focusing on the topic given?

Very much thank you, Dumi :)
dumi 1 / 6,930 1592  
Mar 8, 2014   #7
Well, for me, I have place lots of confidence in the structure I suggest for everybody on this forum. In fact it is not something I invented or created, but a structure that I found doing some research on net. There are so many websites that offers help with students to prepare for these tasks and literally almost every site recommends that structure. This task is not good for you to experiment on. It is always better that you follow a certain pattern and develop your time management skills on this task. So, get hold of a good structure that contains all the features that help you earn marks for this task and also helps you save time.
Pahan 1 / 1,908 553  
Mar 8, 2014   #8
Well, I too have lots of confidence in that structure :)

Personally, I disagree with this judgment.

You express your opinion in one of those body paras and I think it is really not a good idea. It disturbs the flow of your whole essay and against the accepted norm. You introduce the topic and express your opinion (you can do this in the conclusion too, but I vote for doing it in the intro) and then you move into body paras to justify your position and convince the reader about why you hold that position.
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Mar 13, 2014   #9
This task is not good for you to experiment on.

Yes, I could't agree more.

In fact it is not something I invented or created, but a structure that I found doing some research on net.

Thank you very much Dumi. I have my IELTS result. Listening 8.0 | Reading 8.0 | Speaking 8.0 |

and for writing, do you know what the result is ???

Writing: 8.0

Thanks and Big hugs, for You and Pahan :)
Pahan 1 / 1,908 553  
Mar 13, 2014   #10
Writing: 8.0

Wow.... that's really really great news and thank you so much for informing us your test results. Not everybody does that and it is really nice of you to tell us your results and share your joy with us. We too are equally happy for you and wish all our members would be successful in their respective tasks just as you did :) Also, it gives us more confidence about the frameworks we suggest to our members. Congratulations and keep up your good work by helping others with your experience :)
OP eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Mar 13, 2014   #11
it gives us more confidence about the frameworks we suggest to our members.

I don't know what to say. Pahan and Dumi, you are GREAT coaches.
dumi 1 / 6,930 1592  
Mar 13, 2014   #12
Writing: 8.0
Thanks and Big hugs, for You and Pahan :)

... Hey, this is really awesome news :D You've got band 8.0 :)
You deserve it and I had lots of confidence that you'd go for a good band. And as Pahan mentioned above, it's very nice of you to tell us your score :)

I don't know what to say. Pahan and Dumi, you are GREAT coaches.

Thanks for the compliments and indeed this is very encouraging and we are now more confident about our mentoring and coaching efforts :D
You too can join us now in our efforts to help those who need help :)


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