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My essay about positive things about an accident - Introduction.

bldblade 2 / 9  
Feb 3, 2012   #1
Most of us at one time or another have life-changing experiences. They sometimes inspire, influence or completely transform our lives. The effects can be good, bad, or in some cases, a combination of both. I was nineteen years old when I moved to Florida. The prospect of living just a few minutes away from the beach was exciting, and I took advantage of it by trying water-related activities, even thought I did not know how to swim. It was a sunny day in July when I had a terrifying experience. I rode a jet ski for the first time, without being aware of the consequences of not operating it with caution. Being inexperienced and overeager, I paid the price for it. While racing along the ocean, I lost control of the machine, falling off it and mildly injuring myself.

The feeling of crashing into the water was somewhat similar to skipping stones as a child; only this time it was my body, not a rock, that was bouncing off the surface. I was in shock , panicking at the thought of me not being able to swim. The shore was out of my sight, and the waves seemed to grow in intensity, a point where overcoming my fear of water became a necessity. The only thing keeping me alive was my life vest, and even with it on me, I still had to struggle to get back on the jet ski. Although this experience was traumatizing and frightening, I consider it a life-defining moment, and I have found that positive things can emerge from serious accidents.

This is just my introduction paragraph and it's leading to the thesis, but I'm wondering if I should move the story of events in the body paragraph since my introduction seems to long now. What do you think ?

Also, could I please be corrected if I have mistakes or other errors ?
OP bldblade 2 / 9  
Feb 3, 2012   #2
it's due Monday.
Athena - / 83 3  
Feb 4, 2012   #3
Hey :)
Just a correction:

Most of us at one time or another have had life-changing experiences.

As u suggested, you could move the story to the body paragraph since your intro is a little long.

I like the description though. Good Luck!
OP bldblade 2 / 9  
Feb 4, 2012   #4
Thank you!

Do you guys see any more errors ?

Also, what do you think about the format ?

I would want to leave the introduction as it is, but maybe describing the events is meant for the body paragraphs.
Athena - / 83 3  
Feb 7, 2012   #5
Hi Andrew,

Maybe you could stick with the intro as it is... :)

I found another error : The only thing keeping(I think it should be 'that kept' instead) me alive was my life vest,....

roopali 1 / 3  
Feb 7, 2012   #6
I was nineteen years old when I moved to Florida.
When I was nineteen year old, I moved to Florida

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