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The possible effects of living long on an individual and on the whole society?


Oovi 1 / 3  
Aug 16, 2011   #1
This is an IELTS essay. Please suggest some corrections and alternative sentence structure which can help me to score Band 7 or higher. Thank you.

What are the possible effects of living long on an individual and on the whole society?
Give some examples for and against according to your knowledge.


Longevity has its own advantages and disadvantages. There are some social, financial and personal effects to be considered on both individual and social level.

Positive effects of living long as an individual are getting a chance to see the family tree grow. Being able to participate in family events like weddings of grandchildren, baby showers etc. There are also some disadvantages, such as health problems, dependency etc. It becomes harder when one has no family members to take care of him. Looking from a society's perspective, it is a blessing to have elderly people in the society. The gift of their wisdom and life experiences is valuable. If practised wisely one can achieve great success. The only disadvantage can be financial burden on government and families. Government might fail to provide for senior citizen if majority of population lives long.

Now having an elderly person in house can solve many of the family's issues. A senior can look after children while parents are away for work, this can save a good amount of money. Moreover, in today's competitive world, where men suffer from stress, anxiety and depression; emotional support from parents and grandparents can be really helpful. On the other side, a person living long may have to suffer from some disease which could be a torture to the person as well as family. Sometimes treatments are so expensive that it creates financial problems in family.

To conclude, living long has its own advantages and disadvantages on both individual and a society.

eatmybubbles94 - / 3  
Aug 17, 2011   #2
There are some social, financial and personal effects to be considered on both individual and social (twice) level.

etc. is a very casual saying and you used it twice really close in the same paragraph try rewording...
OP Oovi 1 / 3  
Aug 17, 2011   #3
Thanks a lot Made Hutt for your comments. I will work on it. Do you think over all its a good essay for band 7 in IELTS?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 29, 2011   #4
I have some ideas for improving this. It is already very good, though!

There are some social, financial and personal effects to be considered at both the level of the individual and the level of society.

Put the sentences together here:
Positive effects of living long as an individual include getting a chance to see the family tree grow and being able to participate in family events like weddings of grandchildren, baby showers, etc.

The only disadvantage might be the financial burden on government and families.

On the other hand, a person living long may have to suffer from a disease which could...

:-)


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