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TOEFL Essay,"It is not possible to eliminate poverty"


ana_p 27 / 81  
Sep 25, 2012   #1
Hi,

Request you to please correct my essay.

Do you agree with the following statement?
It is not possible to eliminate poverty.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


:Poverty is a very big problem in developing countries. Poverty is one of the most important reasons of keeping developing country from being a developed country. Poverty can be caused by three most common reasons: Population, Illiteracy and Corruption. I believe that, poverty can be reduced, if these problems will be solved.

To begin with, first reason of poverty is population. Increasing population is a very big problem in most of the developing countries like China, India. Increase in population creates scares of basic needs like food, cloth and shelter, and this results poverty. So, if population will be in control, then poverty can be reduced from country. To reduce the population of the country, government should run some schemes or programs like family planning, which will help to create awareness about disadvantages of poverty.

Second most important reason of poverty is illiteracy. Most of the over populated countries have these problems of poverty and illiteracy. Poor people cannot fulfill their basic needs, then how could they think about education. They spend most of their time to fulfill their basic needs. They also send their children to work instead of school, because of lack of income. This increases illiteracy in the country. There are various schemes of free education which are run by government to reduce illiteracy, but these schemes cannot reach up to the needed people, because of corruption which is third reason of poverty.

Last but not the least, corruption plays very important role in increase in poverty. Corruption is nothing but cheating with public. There are many leaders, politicians and higher posts people are included in corruption. And because of this, rich people are becoming richer and poor are becoming poorer which results increase in poverty. So, corruption should be stop to eliminate poverty.

Finally, I do not agree with the statement that, it is not possible to eliminate poverty, because as stated above, population, illiteracy, and corruption are three important reasons, which could help to eliminate poverty.

Thanks,
Ana.

oksanavy7 1 / 6  
Sep 25, 2012   #2
Very good essay but you stated the answer to the question at the end of the essay. The essay is supposed to be about your opinion, not why there is poverty in the world.

The topic sentence- it is good but not strong. Use better words, not "very big problem".
OP ana_p 27 / 81  
Sep 29, 2012   #3
Yes, you are right, but at the end of each para, I have mentioned solution or my opinion, that poverty can be reduced, how and what should be done to reduced it. for ex. government could run some schemes. It means that, I am not agree with the given sentence.

Although, I agree with you, that it is a short description, because after reading your comment, I realized that, I have concentrated more on reasons of poverty, instead how it can be reduced. For correction, I could add more description of how poverty can be reduced.

And thanks for your review. I would change my topic sentence.

Ana.


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