I really appreciate if you can check my essay and suggest a score for my ielts writing task 2, thanks alot.
In recent years, information technology has come to play a major part in many aspects of our lives. There is more information than ever before and communication has become instant, but university lecturers are putting their lectures on the internet rather than giving the lectures to students themselves and people sitting next to each other in offices are emailing each other rather than speaking. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of these developments?
Nowadays, people's lives are becoming more dependent on information technology than ever due to its rapid growth. While I believe that the advancement of technology is beneficial to individual, I agree that overall it does more harm to us and our local communities.
The leap in information technology brings in a lot of convenience to our daily lives. For example, people rely heavily on instant messaging like Whatsapp to communicate with each others. Families or relatives who are separated around the globe can easily keep in touch by means of emails of social media like Facebook or Tweeter. The invention of these communication tools not only shorten the distance between individuals, it also speeds up theirs responses instantly.
On the other hand, the effect that people relying too much on these tools can be seen as negative. With the ease of online shopping, people prefer to stay at home and shop for everything from groceries to gifts with the click of a mouse. Consequently, it becomes harder for the people to build up a bonding within the community they live in as they seldom have the chance to meet up with others and interact. It is considered important that human interaction creates a sense of belongingness and builds up close relationship with others. Such social skills are vital to us as we can not live alone by ourselves.
In conclusion, although the revolution of information technology has brought individual closer to each other, in the long run it does more harm to us as it can be seen. Therefore, we should be more proactive to reach out to others and promote a healthy social live.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,252 3656
Tonga, I am really disturbed by the fact that you show a good grasp of the English language when it comes to writing, but then you failed to properly understand the topic for discussion in the original prompt. You were being asked to discuss these two areas in relation to the outweighing of the advantage or disadvantage of technology in the workplace and academic setting:
1. Professors placing their lectures online instead of lecturing in a classroom, physical setting
2. Office personnel emailing rather than talking to each other even though they seat next to each other.
The topics for discussion in the essay were clearly given and yet you disregarded the topics provided and instead, developed some discussion topics of your own. While your English skills are acceptable, the change in the discussion slant from the original shows that you somehow did not really understand the instructions provided. There is a disconnection between your writing skills and your English comprehension skills. That is why this essay cannot gain a score higher than a 3.
Like Holt said, though your ability and the fluency in writing is good, it seems that you completely misunderstood the prompt given in the question. Your writings have digressions and can not gain a high mark as you expected. First of all be clear about the prompt, have some brainstorming about the topic and then only start your answer.
Thanks for all the comments, I understand the question now and will rewrite again.