The table compares the monthly expenditure of an average Australian family in 1991 and 2001, a decade gap of time. Overall, the total spending for Australian family in 2001 was higher than in 1991 with other goods and services as the highest cost among others in both years although the most drastic climb happened to electricity and water in 2001.
At a closer look to the data, it can be seen than apart from clothing and transport, the cost of rest commodities were higher in 2001 rather than in 1991. While food was following non-essential goods and services as the most expensive expenditures in a month with $155-$160 and $265-$270 (in 1991-2001) respectively, a slight raise of $5 as well as housing ($95-$100) over a decade period. However, the cost for electricity and water had a drastic $45 rise in 2001 ($75-$120).
Nevertheless, the spending for clothing and transport in 2001 were lesser than in 1991. The first declined with $10 from $30 to $20 while the latter had a $25 reduction from $70 to $45 over the same period (1991-2001).
(181 words)
Febriyani, I would like to focus on your introduction paragraph, since this is the most essential part of IELTS task 1 writing. Despite some grammatical errors which I explained below, you accidentally wrote 'too details' overview sentence. What you need to do for the next project is that you need to write the summary of the most noticeable trend or data that stand out from the crowd.
Some grammatical errors in introduction:
- ...expenditure of an average Australian family inbetween 1991 and 2001, a decade gap of time . (unnecessary details)
- Overall, it can be seen that / it is noticeable that, the total spending forof Australian family... (missing overview signal)
- Overall, the total spending for Australian family in 2001 was higher than in 1991 with other goods and services as the highest cost among others in both years although the most drastic climb happened to electricity and water in 2001.(consider revise this one, overview sentence was not like this. The details were too many)
Let me give it a try:
Overall, it is noticeable that, the total spending of Australian citizens in non-essential goods and services came up as the highest trend in the end of the period.
As you can see Febriyani, I hope you can take my feedback above into your consideration. Therefore, good luck for the next essay practice.
Cheers :)
Hi Febriani, I try to give some mark for some grammatical errors in your sentences.
the second paragraph,
-it can be seen than apart from clothing and transport, the cost of rest commodities were higher in 2001 rather than in 1991. maybe you can use that after it can be seen that....
let's me try to write the possible sentence:it can be seen that the cost of clothing and transport rest commodities was higher in 2001 rather than in 1991
Nevertheless, the spending for clothing and transport in 2001 were lesser than (less than) in 1991. You must be sure with comparative and superlative. The comparative of little is less, and the superlative of little is least. So, you can reduce 'er' in lesser.
I am not clear with the idea in this sentence :The first declined with $10 from $30 to $20 while the latter had a $25 reduction from $70 to $45 over the same period (1991-2001).
I try to reread this sentence "the expenditure of cloth gradually declined over the period to finish at $20 in 2001. Moreover, the expenditure of transport also decrease at 45% in 2001
I hope you have more time for writing practice and I wish you be better in the next writing practice.
Good luck Febriani,
Hi Febriyani, glad to say hello to you
Here some corrections for you, lets learn each other
... as the highest cost among others in both years although(althought conjuntion is used in the begining of the sentence) the most drastic ...
First Paragraph,
In my view, for overview hope you can make it more simple but still to the point, since the sentence get to long
... the cost of rest commodities werewas (I think it is refers to the cost as the subject) higher in 2001 rather than in 1991.
... respectively, a slight raise of $5 as well as housing ($95-$100) (redudancy if you mention $5 and $95-$100) over a decade period.
Body Paragraph,
Hope you can compare the data more essential than do repetitive mention of the gap number
I learn much also from your writing, still practice. Cheer!
