Hello fellas, i need your strong feedback for my writing, Please gimme your suggestion to improve my: Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. :)
Question:
Do the dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production and preservation outweigh the advantages?
Most of food that we consumed are contaminated with chemical compound. Synthetic material that replace natural ingredients and also preservative substance that make foodstuff durable, both chemicals give us, as consumers, lots of benefits. Unfortunately, due to the overused consumption, we have to deal with the consequences, facing a huge danger. Indeed, in my mind, there is now convincing evidence that the benefit of using chemical contain is far away behind the danger itself.
To begin, numbers of food production companies use synthetics substance to replace the original ingredients, so the company can receive higher profit because it reduce the production cost. What we do not realized about this fact is that the synthetics compounds slowly harm our health. Taking assessment from department of nutrition at University of Indonesia as a reference, the researcher find out that many companies which produce cheap chili sauce, changing the chili with "capsaicin" to bring the spicy taste. Take a closer look at the test, capsaicin is compound that can trigger cancer in our body. Unfortunately, consumer do not really concern about this fact because we blind with the financial profit - the price of product is cheap.
Furthermore, Instant food that we eat every day contains the abundance of preservative chemicals. With higher usage rate, chemical preservation also becomes enormous issues that we should consider. Food can stay longer if it is injected with chemical compound such as, nitrite and sulphur dioxide. In the other side, this compound gives negative impact to our health. For instance, the food control organization (FCO) found out that 3% or above of nitrite in our blood is dangerous and can even be fatal. Nitrite can misinterpret protein as enzyme and then make wrong process in our blood. In the long run, it can be a trigger for blood cancer. This fact is refers to the threat of health.
To sum up, although we ,as consumers, take huge benefit from this practice, it has lots of inevitably negative impact. We have to be aware more to the impact because it is related to our precious thing, health. I believe, It will be better if we minimize the utilization of chemicals compound by consuming more the natural.
Hi Nurul, for an early analysis of your essay, below are my modifications.
- Most of the food that
- we consumed are contaminated
- with chemical compounds .
- Synthetic material that replaced
- Unfortunately, due to the overusedmassive consumption,
- a hugegreat danger.
- is nowa convincing evidence
- containcontents in food is far away
- To begin with ,
- numbers of food productionmanufacturing companies - use synthetics substance
- ingredients, so the company can receiveand this will eventually yield higher profit
- because it reduces
- the cost of the production cost .
- What we do not realized about this
- fact is that the synthetics compounds
- the price of the product is cheap.
Nurul, the linking verbs, the word forms, the ed's and d's are missing in the words that you associate in your sentences and this affects the essay in a massive extent, therefore, you have to focus on this aspect of the essay and I must say you have the idea, the only thing is that, you are having concerns in expressing this thoughts. I hope this is useful.
HI. I think I found some mistakes on your essay so I have made some adjustments, which are as follows:
-overusedover consumption
-the company can receive higher profit because it reducefrom low production cost by using poor-quality substances
-the researcher findfound out
-have been changing the chilli
-chemicals compounds
Nurul, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing task 2 public band descriptors.
Task Response:
- Unfortunately, you were only addressed this task partially by only mentioning the dangers without even stating the advantages of using chemical compound. Your position were pretty clear, but there is no conclusions drawn in your body paragraphs. Sadly, this made your essay can't go further than 5.0. for task response.
Coherence and Cohesion:
- You were able to present information with some organization, but there was lack of overall progression. In addition, some inaccurate cohesive devices have been found, such as 'to begin with , inon the other hand, takingto illustrate , assessment'. It is quite unfortunate for you to get 5.0 in this part.
Lexical Resource:
- My suggestion is that you need to learn more about vocabulary and its collocation. In this part, there are many noticeable errors about word formation which cause the difficulty to the reader. I think that without forcing some less common vocabularies there, you were able to use adequate range of vocabulary for the task. Perhaps by having 1 feature of band 6 and several features of band 5, it is possible for this part to get a 5.5.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- This is dangerous and also crucial part. I can see your effort in writing some complex sentences. Unfortunately, those complex sentences that you've composed were less accurate than simple sentences. It is clearly explained by Justivy. These noticeable errors can't make your essay go beyond 5.0.
Overall, I reckon that for a prediction, this essay is worth between 5.0 and 5.5. However, don't take it personally. This was just my prediction. I hope you can do better in the next practice :)
