Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2


IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Having Enjoyable Life or Earning Much Money, Which One Do You Prefer?


pebzna12 13 / 24 9  
May 22, 2016   #1
Question:
Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoyable life than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Earning a lot of money becomes less essential or some people who love to enjoy a happy life more. Meanwhile, others argue that the quality of a good life will be determined by the quantity of money that people earn through a fine job. Despite of the fact that having an enjoyable life is precious, the idea that money is not needed to provide prosperity in life is strongly deniable.

On the one hand, having a pleasant life is indeed meaningful. To live with pleasure means living under lovable and enjoyable circumstances. For instance, in terms of work, people who used to enjoy their life will find the term 'work on passion' is strongly related to them. They will seek for a job that meets their interest in order to gain satisfaction. Furthermore, they will choose occupations that provide them with a bunch of leisure time that allow them to keep doing their such favorable things as enjoying their hobbies, exercising regularly, hanging out with old friend, up-dating in social-media, traveling, and the most prominent one: having enough resting time. Consequently, as long as they can enjoy their activities while working; other factors, besides happiness and satisfaction, will be less necessary for them, including the amount of salary that they will get.

Nevertheless, it is also believed that salary plays a big role in measuring the good quality of life. Salary or money in general is the source for living. Every things need money (to buy), and people need things (to live in). So, money is the source to access people's necessity. It lies from basic needs such as food, clothes, and even living place, until secondary and tertiary ones such as personal transport, latest gadget, beauty care, holiday trip, investment, and many more. However, those things are common things needed for living. Therefore, the higher the quantity of the money that people earn is, the more qualified things that they will get, and as a result, the more prosperous their life will be.

In conclusion, it is evident that although money is not as more essential as having a complimentary life, the power of money is still crucial in order to reach a good quality of life. Therefore, people should balance their life that will make them possible to enjoy their life with using their own wealth.

(388 Words)

p.s. I realize that my writing above is way too much (words), but I have no idea how to effectively shorten them, so besides correcting its content and grammar, please also enlightening me on how to paraphrase those words to meet its ideal word counts, much thanks. (:
Ext7484 1 / 1 2  
May 22, 2016   #2
... good life will be determined by the quantity amounts of money that people they earn through a fine job .

They will seek for a job that meets their interests in order to gain satisfaction.
... that allow them to keep doing their such favorable things, such as enjoying their hobbies, exercising (...) friend, up-dating (updating?) in social media , traveling, and ...
... including the amount of salary that they will get.

Salary or money in general,(missing comma) is the source for living. Everything needs money (to buy), and people need things (to live in).

Therefore, the more money the people earn , the more qualified things that they ...

In conclusion, it is evident that although money is not as more ...

Note: i think you use a lot of "that" to connect your idea. i know you want to make your paper as specific as you can. I also have this problem in my paper. I was told to use one idea at a time in each sentence. For example, I drink a cup of coffee from a green cup that I get from a cabinet which is under the sink. This sentence is too specific and provides unnecessary information in one sentence. Instead, i will put them in two different sentences. For example, I drink a cup of coffee from a green cup. I get that cup from a cabinet under the sink. I might be wrong, but I am always told to do it this way.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Having Enjoyable Life or Earning Much Money, Which One Do You Prefer?
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳