IELTS Practice task 2 - History education and its importance

Hello! I am practicing to take IELTS test and I am of necessity for any helps related to writing. Please take a look and I really appreciate any of your comments

Topic: "It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

Local history vs world history

People have valued role of local history than that of the world; therefore, it is argued to be taught predominantly at school. In my opinion, I disagree with this statement and advocate for the same importance between them.

Studying the local history is surely indispensable part of school curriculum. The reason is that historical knowledge paves a way to patriotism, which must be established from little understanding of what happened in the past, how hometown changed over time and so on. Since then, people's hearts have blossomed with their pride of origin and desire of sovereignty protection. Additionally, domestic historical acquisition may serve as a middle man to call for people's contribution. Hardy people does build up their hometown when they have no local sympathetic. Once people heartedly know about where they were born, they get ready to invest to develop their motherland at any costs.

From another angle, world history should share the same significance with the former. Knowledge about world equips people with more well-rounded perspectives of life. For example, lessons of World War explicitly reminds us of peace's value and understanding of Feminism encourages people to protest against Gender discrimination and abuse. By and large, these kinds of knowledge would enhance people's mind related to various corners of life. Furthermore, looking at the world historically benefits people in their integration process. There is no doubt that future enrolers prefer those who get themselves ready with world background. Hence, students who accumulate a particular field at early age would possess a golden selling point to turn themselves an internationally integrated citizen.

In conclusion, I believe both domestic and international history are undoubtedly important. They are seemingly treated unfair when being brought into comparison because both have distinctively equal meanings not only to children but also to every single human being around the Earth

Jane, when you are asked to take a solid position in the essay, such as whether you agree or disagree, you should never take a middle position that has you agreeing to both sides to a certain extent. The strength of your essay will lie in the way that you are able to accurately defend one side of the opinion being presented. Note that the essay prompt asks you "to what extent do you agree OR disagree", so you have to pick only one side of the issue to discuss. Pick the side that you feel you can best defend over the course of the essay and build your paragraphs around that. While this essay discussion makes sense, it doesn't really fall within the specific prompt requirement. So the score for this essay will not be a passing one. It will not pass because you did not fulfill the requirements of the task accuracy portion, which asks you to pick only one side to discuss, so the rest of your scores will also be affected.

@Holt
Oh, thank you so much for your advice. This is also what I have been wondering so long. 2 sides should be for discussion essay. Again, please accept my deep thank.

As an additional feedback to improve your band score later on, you can write a more appropriate introduction paragraph. If you take a closer look on IELTS band descriptors of writing task 2, you can see that 'overall progression' is needed to achieve band 6 or above. Thus, you are suggested to write 'overall progression' in the introduction by outlining the thesis statement. The idea is to have you explain in brief what would be elaborated in the first body and second body paragraph. Let me show you how to do that in the detailed descriptions below:

People have valued role of local history (...) for the same importance between them.

"It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

These days, it is argued that local history is more essential to be learned by schoolchildren than world history. However, I would agree that local history bring more advantages than world history. It is due to the possibility of increasing nationalism and uniting new generation to love their own country.

As you can see, the ideas that should be elaborated in body paragraphs are crystal clear since the very beginning part of the essay (introduction). This is what is called 'overall progression' and quite possible to improve your band score to 6 or above.