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IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Who Should Take Responsibility for Juvenile Attitude


pebzna12 13 / 24 9  
May 22, 2016   #1
Question:
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Answer:


Recently, the rate of juvenile violation has been increasing among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the absence of lessons toward social and emotional controls from their elderly both at home and school becomes the main trigger of that violence. Personally, I agree that parents and teachers share similar responsibilities to be a proper role-model for young generation, especially in managing their anger as well as interacting in social life.

Firstly, family, especially parents, as the closest relatives that everyone has in life plays a crucial role in shaping the juveniles' attitudes. It is also the initial primary educational institution that 'attended' by everyone with parents as the educators. When parents' roles are missing, there will be a big hole in their offspring life: an invisible gap between parents-children. This problem typically occurs to certain kinds of parents such as working or career parents; parents with mental illness; divorcing parents; abusive parents and many more. It is a very dangerous situation, especially for those who have teenager children under 18. Eighteen is the transitional phase from teenager-children into young-adult, the most critical phase for their emotional and social development. Thus, the intense bond between parents and children during that period is highly necessary. A successful parent will be reflected by the personality of their descendants because like the proverb say that 'like parents, like children'.

Similarly, school becomes the second home for teenager as they spend most of their day time there. Consequently, the teacher will automatically become their second parents at particular place: school. As 'parent', it is important for teacher to be a good role-model for their student. As educators and parents for their students, teachers are not demanded to only focus on their academic skill, but far than that they also have a big responsibility to educate them with proper ethics. Unfortunately, that very essential life skill has been gradually disappear from formal curriculum, so there is no choice for a qualified teacher to build their self-awareness to sharpen that specialized skill to their students.

To conclude, I have to agree that the roles of both parents and teachers are vital in constructing teenagers' attitude. Therefore, it is critical for parents and teachers to always be there to guide their beloved young-children, especially during their teenage life.

(379 Words)

p.s. need many improvements, so please no need to be reluctant to give me as many suggestions as needed. (:
Theodore 4 / 7 2  
May 23, 2016   #2
When parents' roles are missing, there will be a big hole in their offspring life

It would be sound better if you use phrases such as 'When parents neglect their children, the communicative gap between them will widen. Thus, their children might become wayward teenagers.

Unfortunately, that very essential life skill has been gradually disappearing from the formal curriculum, so there is no choice for a qualified teacher to build their self-awareness to sharpen that specialized skill to their students. The part where I have cancelled is quite ambiguous. 'Unfortunately, that very essential life skill has been gradually disappearing from the formal curriculum. Hence, teachers are compelled to focus on the academic progression of their students than imparting decent social skills to them.

Nice writing with great ideas. Keep practicing and you will succeed.
I hope my ideas are constructive.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 23, 2016   #3
Febri, by doing many readings on many of your essays, I do realize something. The problems which made your sentence structures confusing is that you had a difficulty in differentiating which one is the shared language or synonym of a sentence. Remember, shared language can't be changed by using synonym(s). You kept forcing them to be improperly placed, which then caused your essay is difficult to be understood by the reader. Therefore, I would like to share some tips regarding to the use of synonym to you below:

- You have to make sure that the word that you are going to change is 100% the same in meaning.
- Grammar must be correct if you change a word.
- Keywords sometimes can be tricky, be careful in switching or replacing one of those.
- Synonym is not the only way, you can define it by using your own words. People = individuals, chair = something that you can sit on.
- Repetitive is still better than using synonym incorrectly.


I hope by sharing some tips related to synonym, I can be of help. Good Luck for the next practice :)


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