Hi, there, can anyone help me in check my essay. I am new here, I am in urge to improve my IELTS writing. Hope some one can help me, and I wish I will be able to hlep others in the future. Thanks！
Topic:
It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Essay:
Some people's talents that look unattainable to the others have great appeals. Numerous people are trying to become one of talented individuals by trainning as they do not yield to the so called "fate". From my perspective, I agree that talents can be achieved postnatally.
On one hand, some people contend that the possiblity of mocking a talents is hard to predict. They claim that people who has astonishing achievements in the world have demonstrated that their super power are uncopiable. For example, Usain Bolt, the fastest athelete ever timed in the world, set and then keeps several world records in sprint so far. "No one can beat him",we heard the supporters said," it is known that Usain Bolt is talented". Thus, they assert that talents are the unique powers and skills that born with some fortunate individuals.
However, on the other hand, the challengers disagree. They point out that a number of talented and famous people, including Usain Bolt, had endevored in trainning in prior to their success. They argue that it would be impossible for Usain Bolt to win in the Olympic Games if he had not recieve any forms of trainning, that was, trainning gave him the talents. Moreover, they further reveal that, unless one is taught to become exclusive in a particular filed, unless one has made great efforts, he will bury his natual endowments in the ground.
In conclusion, admittedly, some people were born with unique endowments. However, these endowments will not belong to them forever unless they keep practing on it, because trainning can make up talents, yet natual borned ones were just good setouts.
Hi Brandon! Welcome to EssayForum :) I hope you can enjoy learning IELTS with all members and contributors here in this forum. I am really sure that after many or even several training either by posting your essays here or giving peer-corrections/feedback towards others' essays, you will be able to enhance your writing skills, especially in IELTS. Do not hesitate or afraid of conveying your ideas to others as long as it is still understandable and meaningful.
With regards to your essay, you still need a lot of practices, particularly in spelling and grammar. These are what I've found so far:
- of mocking a talenttalents ...
- people who hashave
- power are uncopiablecannot be imitated/copied .
- However, on the other hand, .... (overuse, pick one)
spelling errors
- trainning = training
- postnatally = postnatal
- possiblity = possibility
- athelete = athlete
- natual = natural
- practing = practicing
- endevored = endeavored
- recieve = receive
- filed = field
- borned = born
- setouts = set outs
My suggestion is, at first, you can fix your spelling, and then you can re-check your grammar. Both of them are essential, since those are one of the marking criteria for an IELTS writing test. At second, after you think that it is good enough, check your coherence and cohesion. This is also essential, in order to attain a better score, you need to provide a conclusion for each body paragraph (having no conclusions will lead your essay to band 5, just be careful).
Hi Bingbing, that's a very warm WELCOME there from our EF contributors and we really hope we can be of service.
Now, as I read through your essay, I must say that there is quiet a lot of work to be done. This is normal when it comes to the first stage of writing and one way to get better is practice, this does not only apply in writing but also to reading and comprehension. What you read will also help you come up with better words for your essay and the more you read, the better you become in practicing the language.
Moreover, the usage of words can be better, such as "On one hand", should be, "On the other hand ", when you say "However",the phrase, "on the other hand", is not at all necessary as this is somehow redundant and you know for a fact that being redundant doesn't make any difference in your essay so it's best to avoid this writing technique.
There you have it Bingbing, I hope to review the revision soon and keep writing.
