Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

PRICELESS MOMENTS - TOEFL Older people enjoy their life more than young people


mocak 1 / 1  
Mar 1, 2011   #1
I appreciate your feedback on the essay for both on grammar and structure.

PRICELESS MOMENTS

Time passes brutally while you are struggling with daily issues and trying hard at work. Young people live the world as it will never end and postpone many pleasures to a later date. Since the age is getting older and you are getting closer to grave, you understand better. Everything matters in life, all you need to enjoy life without unnecessary worries. The older people experienced clearly that the only thing worth to worry is the passing time. They best know how to have joy since the moment is priceless.

Many young can surprise by the scene of the old lady who spends hours at the park just sitting and watching outside.From a young person point of view this scene can be considered as a waste of time but the truth is the opposite. Those are the times she can realize how amazing the world is, admiring the nature itself. Those are the times she is feeling the wind on her face, having the most joyful times of feeling she lives. Many young fail to realize the surrounding beauty. Young tend to behave in a destructive way rather than enjoying it.

Even though the older people are no more so energetic as the young are, they are fresh in mind since there is no need to concern about anything:the children have already grown up and they have enough earning for assurance. They might treat as selfish in other words but live the moment as its all theirs. Forgetting all responsibilities, no matter what life is here not to worry but for them to enjoy.

Life serves us much, but people need time to understand how wonderful just living is. The older do enjoy every breathe they take rather than the young do.

m00ny 2 / 20  
Mar 1, 2011   #2
Hey there!

Your essay is a great example of good grammar and coherence! Keep going & excelling that!
The content, however, should be more framed; Define various types of enjoyment! For example, I don't consider sitting in a park & breathing the surroundings an enjoyment -- more like a relaxation. Young people have way different perspective of pleasure than older do, right?
OP mocak 1 / 1  
Mar 2, 2011   #3
Moon, thank you so much for the prompt reply. I am happy to hear that grammar is OK.

For TOEFL, it is hard to organize within just 30 mins. Therefore beside thinking so much for more examples, I hurry to end up the essay as soon as possible. In this way, I can only achieve to finish with a conclusion. Actually, the idea in the essay may not reflect my own ideas but the opposite since the things to be written comes to my mind easily.

I will try more and appreciate any of your feedback.

Take care, cheers!
m00ny 2 / 20  
Mar 2, 2011   #4
Few weeks ago, when I took IELTS, we had 60 mins for two tasks. Somehow, I managed to "survive" with additional 5 minutes to check missed errors.

The best thing is, to practice, practice and practice -- DRILL!. Check some writing tips (IELTS is pretty much the same as TOEFL):
your-ielts-guide.com/IELTS-Tips-Writing.shtml
ielts-blog.com/ielts-preparation-tips/writing-tips/9-ielts-writing-tips-from-phuong-how-to-get-band-7/
then write as many essays as you can.

Support your essays with clear examples, use simple,plain language.

Out of five? I would say 3+. You have some minor mistakes, essay is readable and flows OK, but as I already mentioned, your lack of idea and systematization lowers the score. But, I'm not really the one to judge, so ... =)


Home / Writing Feedback / PRICELESS MOMENTS - TOEFL Older people enjoy their life more than young people