Why many prisoners commit crimes as soon as they released? - IELTS WRITING TASK 2

Topic:

Many criminals commit further crimes as soon as they released from prison.

What do you think are the causes of this?
Response:
Many prisons turn over a new leaf after they released from prison; nevertheless, not all the case are true. Some criminals commit crimes as soon as they get out of prison, and personally, I believe there are reasons to justify this.

Firstly, it is people's prejudice that indirectly make those prisoners give up the idea of re-integrating. Back to the past, criminals were considered a threat to the society, and undoubtedly, people tended to distance themselves from prisoners. That presumption had rooted deeply inside people's mind and made them turn their back at people who commit crimes, even if he or she is only a little thief. As a result, these released prisoners no longer feel they are parts of the society anymore, instead, they feel left-out and abandoned. Without the warm welcoming and the sympathy of the society, these prisoners find no incentive in changing for the better since all of their efforts would meet with negligence and underappreciation.

Secondly, our society lacks of job opportunity for the prisoners. After coming out of prison, a job is of the utmost importance on the grounds that offers the prisoners stable incomes to live by and makes them feel that they have values to the society. However, finding a proper job is a challenge to every prisoner since their crimes are often regarded as acts of fraudulence and untrustworthiness. Clearly, no employers would like to take on these people in their working places. Struggling to find a job, most released prisoners would end up facing financial difficulties. Eventually, they would resort to committing crimes in order to make some money.

In conclusion, reasons why many prisoners commit crimes right after being released could be put down to people's prejudice and the lack of job opportunity for the return criminals.

I find no problems with your reasoning paragraphs. The reasons are sound, well represented and the examples, relevant. Those paragraphs are coherent and cohesive. Even with some slight grammar problems, the message of the paragraph remains clear and on point. However, there are some vocabulary issues with the presentation such as the use of the word negligence in reference to the efforts of criminals to reform. You should have simply said underappreciated. It is more fitting for the sentence. Rather than negligence, ignored would have been a better term since their efforts will not be noticed even if the public sees it. Negligence is used more in reference to "a failure to exercise appropriate and or ethical ruled care expected to be exercised amongst specified circumstances. "

The opening and closing paragraphs are the ones that need work in this essay. The opening paragraph is too long. It resulted in run-on sentences, which would affect the GRA score in reference to punctuation marks. The conclusion also suffers from the same problem. There is a minimum 3 sentence presentation for every paragraph. Try to stick to it. It helps with the overall increase of your score and would boost the C&C section of your scoring as well because you will have properly restated the information from the prompt and body of paragraphs both times.

@Holt
Thank you very much! I really appreaciate your detailed comments! However, I'd like to ask you to do me a favour which is giving me a specific band score (based on the Ielts Band Score) for this essay. If could, I would be very greatful!

Thank you in advance!