Private funding for education may encourage citizens to become less dependent on a governments

Hello guys, I have just came across with this excellent forum and it has now become an excellent resource for people like me trying to improve its writing skills. I am from Venezuela and I am will take my Academic IELTS exam in January in order to enrol into a MBA course next year. I have been taking IELTS classes for 3 months now in Manchester UK with the aim to achieve/get a band 7 score in Writing.

I really appreciate that you are taking some of your spare time to help unknown people to improve its english skills, so thank you very much in advance for all the help you can offer me. I am looking forward to your feedbacks since I know I still have a lot to improve in my writing. (even with this personal introduction statement jaja). Feel free to modify any incorrect word or sugest different word choices.

IELTS Question.
Should education and healthcare be free of charge and funded by the government, or should it be the responsibility of the people to pay for these services?

My essay
Health and education are undoubtedly one of the most important human rights for any citizen around the world. There is a stretch/narrow relation between Education and the development of a country. Comparatively, a deficient health and education system can lead to a high mortality rate and high proportions of illiteracy among population of the countries which may alter its correct development and growth. Whether the health and education system should be maintained and developed by private or public money has inspired an intense debate. This essay will present the advantages and limitations of both perspectives.

In countries like Cuba, UK or Japan the health and education system is basically supported by the governments. In those countries, citizens don't have to save money with the purpose of facing/ aiming to face an unexpected health problem or to receive education which can be an advantage in difficult situations such as the birth of a baby. However, given the recent economical hits throughout the whole world, investments on education and health system has been decreasing causing a notorious drop on the quality of education and even worse, restraining the access to hospitals to citizens.

In contrast, been education and health services funded by individuals for its own benefit, allow them not to depend on the state. On this sense/on this regards, they do not have to rely on the economical performance of its country in order to send their children to school or to afford an urgent medical intervention. The downsize on this approach it is related to the fact that people should have a strict saving plan if they are to be prepared for an unexpected health problem or an unexpected raise on scholarship prices which can be a massive issue for people without any basic financial knowledge.

All things considered, private funding for education may encourage a citizen to become less dependent on governments which undoubtedly must be the approach to take amid a worldwide economical crisis which is affecting the quality of health and education services ultimately causing deaths and increasing illiteracy proportions on today's society.

P.D: Words separate by / means that I was not sure about which word was more suitable for the context.

Thanks for your help and taking your time to help.
Regards

You are welcome daniel :)
I know you are new and here's some forum rules for you to follow with your next thread :). Have a meaningful topic title for your essay- this will help you earn more feedbacks too :)

You write very well. I only wish you replaced the following line with a sentence that clearly express your position on the issue;


It's nicer when you conclude the introduction with your opinion. That helps you take the reader in your desired direction.

a significant decline in


If education and health services are funded by individuals for its own benefit, people will not have to depend on the state.


Overall, I think this is well written. Good luck with IELTS :)

Try to use confronting instead of facing

Your writing is good, and will get 7 if you finish your writing with this quality in 40 minutes.

Many thanks for your quick responses, these feedbacks are very helpful for me.

I will definitely keep your advice for the creation of the next thread Dumi.

Yes, even when my writing is not bad, this particular essay was not done within the IELTS time range. I am more interested right now in improving my writing quality than my time management skill :D but I am practicing on both scenarios.

Ok.... the easiest way to handle both the quality of writing and time is to follow an essay structure that contains all necessary features for you to earn marks. It is always faster and easier when you train yourself to follow a certain pattern that do not let you miss out important points.