Should private healthcare be banned? Medical services should not be run by profit-making companies

Hi guys, I'm a new member there and I'm so excited to be fixed and hope to give useful comments on others' threads.

Here's my essay

IELTS WRITING TASK 2
Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies.

Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

Healthcare is one of the most important things in human society, many people still have to cope with poor medical services due to indigent conditions regardless of improved healthcare. This leads to a proposal that clinical services should not be directed by profitable organizations. However, in my opinion, the opposite might be more reasonable for a sustainable development of the community.

Though the past few decades have witnessed a great effort of governments and global leading experts into ameliorating public health conditions as well as medical services, people living in poverty still have a restricted access to proper healthcare. This is because the medical costs have risen significantly due to reconstruction for modern infrastructures. Yet this adversely has placed a great burden on the entrance to appropriate medical services of deprived households. For example, in developed countries, reports indicate that healthcare fees increased as twice as worker wages. It is even more serious in developing countries cause a general physical examination could cost an average monthly salary of a lower-middle family, which hit badly their meager income.

Though there are some financial drawbacks that hinder some from the appropriate clinical services, eliminating commercial organizations from types of hospital might not be considered a beneficial decision in the long run. First, private medical centres generally offer outstanding medical staff and cutting-edge equipment for top-notch patient care because of larger investments. Lucrative clinical corporations normally pay decent salaries to attract skilled human resources from public health establishments. Second, history of human development has shown that competition is essential because it leads to a healthier economy. It means that enhanced or multifunctional products will cost less to meet clients' needs among a free market. Similarly, if states monopolize the supply of remedial treatments, they could set the price at will, creating potential inflation which adversely affects those in the lower class.

In conclusion, I believe that community care should be contributed by various clinical systems for citizens benefiting the most.

Thanks for reading and please give me your thoughts 🤗

Your prompt paraphrase includes information that offers your opinion of the given topic, which is not required when stating the topic for discussion. The reference to, "...many people still have to cope with poor medical services due to indigent conditions regardless of improved healthcare." should be removed from the restatement. It's removal will make the presentation more prompt adherent with regards to your providing your own take of the topic for the discussion and its reasons.

The next error in this presentation, which will result in a score based on an unrelated discussion topic is as follows: "in my opinion, the opposite might be more reasonable for a sustainable development of the community." This is incorrect and unrelated to the topic being presented because the original discussion question is: "Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?" Therefore, your response is totally unrelated to the task. It does not even refer to a related discussion or information from the original question provided. In effect, you created your own prompt to respond to which will cost you a passing score in this presentation.

Your concluding statement will be another reason for this essay to fail. You wrote less than 40 words in that section, indicating that you did not complete a proper summary restatement in that section.

Thank you so much. I'll notice it.