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IELTS: Prize money and fame as motivation to sporting champions


waterolily 2 / 3  
Apr 13, 2011   #1
In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous.

What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports itself?
Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience (at least 250 words)


***Hi all, would appreciate any comments on grammar and point elaboration. Thanks!

Previously, the sporting stars used to be motivated by their strong desire to win a competition or to break world records. Nowadays, their motivation no longer derived from inner motivation but externally from prize money and chances to become well-known. What does this has to say to the young athlete? How does this shift of attitude affect the sport itself?

In the past, young athletes whom choose sport as their career often subject themselves to much uncertainty - whether the career in sport would bring stability and sustainability in the long run? This has greatly discourages the athletes and perhaps affect their motivation considerably. By introducing prize money and giving them an opportunity to attain fame has indirectly send a message of career stability and prospects in the sport industry. With this change, the uncertainty is no longer viewed as hindrances for them to strive for excellence in the profession as great performance in sport will certainly bring about lucrative rewards. However, this approach may eventually promote gratification of materialism and hedonism if not carefully introduced. It may become a stumbling block for their sporting career as they get distracted to pursue money and fame rather than focusing on strive for excellence in sport.

In order for an athlete to win or break world records in a competition, one must be greatly motivated to attain that goal. In other words, the motivation must be great enough for them to do the extraordinary. Besides having the inward desire to win, external motivators such as money and fame can be an add-on factor to push an athlete to strive for more. I believe by encouraging such excellent spirit will bring about excellent performance in sport.

To conclude, sport industry has grown to become an industry with better long term career prospect and stability since the introduction of prize money and opportunity to be famous. It has definitely motivates the athletes to push themselves to greater height. With this change, I am awaiting the birth of many more sport stars that are yet to shine brightly in the sport arena.

MiiSTiiCZ 3 / 9  
Apr 13, 2011   #2
First, I'd like to say that these is a decent essay. You have great sentence variety, strong points with great elaboration, explanations and examples. Your grammar is decent. The only things I am seeing are some organizational issues and a few cases of verb-tense agreement.

After reading through your essay a couple times, I noticed that you seem to have only answered half of the original question. You did a great job of describing how the sports themselves have been affected, but what message is sent to young people? I would keep what you have and just add to it, but that's just me.

I think your essay's organization could be improved some. When I started reading through your essay, I didn't really have an idea of where it was going. What I mean is that I knew the general area you were going to enter, but I had no idea what your position was until the end. I've been studying some English lately, and I ran across a website that really helped me to improve my essay writing. I'm not sure what the policy is regarding posting web links, so I'll just tell you how to find it. Google search "how to write an in class essay" and click on the third result (It should have something about Blue Books in the title). Another thing that really helped me with essay writing was something that my former English teacher told me. There are three main steps to an essay: 1. Tell 'em what you're gonna tell 'em 2. Tell 'em 3. Tell 'em what you told 'em. Now as I was reading through your essay, You told me, and told me what you told me, but I didn't feel that you told me what you were going to tell me. I was kinda lost as I read through the essay, but the conclusion wrapped it up for me and it all clicked at that point. A clear introduction and thesis would really help the flow of your essay.

The final thing I noticed throughout your essay was verb-tense agreement. There are multiple times that the sentences began in one tense and ended in another. Take the sentence below for example:

In the past, young athletes whom choosewho chose a sport as their career often subjectsubjected themselves to much uncertainty

The sentence began referring to the past, but the rest of the verbs in the sentence are present tense. Another example:

"This has greatly discourages the athletes and perhaps affect their motivation considerably."

This sentence is just following the previous example I showed, and it is still referring to athletes in the past. I believe it would make more sense written like this:

"This has greatly discouragesdiscouraged the athletes and perhaps affectaffected their motivation considerably."

Can you see what I mean? It's a little bit confusing to read when the tenses aren't consistent within a sentence.

As I said before, you have great sentence variety, solid points, terrific elaboration, and if you could just improve on the things I mentioned above I think you'll have a fantastic essay. Happy writing! :)
ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Apr 13, 2011   #3
Hi Hui Li
As I saw some of your essays your grammar and vocabulary is very good, but your essay need some polishing. There are some of my suggestions and it would be great to find if am I right or not.

Some suggestion:

First try to avoid using the same words in title in your introduction. As I have heard and see in some of the IELTS books it can cut your points and is really frustrating to lose some points just because of this issue despite your nice vocabulary and grammar.

In your introduction try to include your opinion or argument, which there easily you could mention them.

As I told your grammar and vocabulary is perfect then try to keep on try, but sometimes your grammar would be affected by using long and complicated sentences. I think it is seen in the part that I changed and the immediate following sentence " With this change, the uncertainty is no longer viewed as hindrances for them to strive for excellence in the profession as great performance in sport will certainly bring about lucrative rewards."
ekekek 25 / 51  
Apr 13, 2011   #4
A pretty well essay~~~

I add a piece of advice~~~

What does this has to say to the young athlete? How does this shift of attitude affect the sport itself?
These kind of questions should be avioded in formal essay~~ coz you should state your idea and give solution rather than keep on asking question~~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Apr 15, 2011   #5
You don't have to use "whom" in that first paragraph. Just use "who."

Also...
By introducing prize money and giving them an opportunity to attain fame, society has indirectly sent a message about the possibility of career stability in the sport industry. With this change, uncertainty is no longer viewed as a hindrance for them and they strive for excellence in the profession because they are aware that great performance in sport will certainly bring about lucrative rewards. ----I made many changes here. I hope you take this opportunity to type the sentences 10 times each. That will enable you to make your grammar perfect.

You cannot use "has" and "motivates" this way: It has definitely motivates t he athletes to push themselves to greater height .

It has definitely motivated the athletes to push themselves to greater heights.

I agree with your argument! In fact, you explained it in the best way I have ever seen. You are absolutely right when you say that society improves its athletes by offering great financial rewards and career stability.


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