Ielts 2 May I get some comments on my paragraph structures, grammar and band of this task
Universities should accept equal numbers male and female students in every subject. To what exent do ou agree or dsagree?
The problem of gender equality in the university admissions has recently raised the public's awareness. The discussion of whether the colleges should reserve the same addmission quotas for male and female is a very controversy one. Personally, I prefer that the school should accept the students based on their academic performance rather than their genders. There are countless reasons why I hold this opinion, and I would explore a few of the most important ones here.
To begin with, the main reason that can be seen by everyone that the two genders have their own strengths in different fields. Just as the sayings goes: "Every man has his hobby-horse.", people are tended to take subjects according to their own strong points, which are always restricted to their genders. It can be given a concrete example. Physics-majored-students in the world over are dominated by males. This is because majority of boys are good at mathematics. Therefore, it would be wise for universities to sort out applicants by their performance in particular subjects rather to keep the same number of students in gender.
Another factor we may consider is that degrees cannot be offered equally when the genders are not in 1 to 1 ratio. Whether having a baby boy or baby girl is random and cannot be controlled. Take the phenomenon in China last year for an example, it is an obvious case. Number of male students graduated from secondary school is 1.38 times of the female ones. If the universities were forced to keep a balanced gender ratio among the freshman, admission competition among male students would be raised due to the collapsed percentage of degree offered for boys. This is to say that gender inequality would still present.
Admittedly, keeping the balance over gender in subjects has its own merits. It is true that chances of addmission for both male and female could be conserved. Nevertheless, the academic performance would be greatly diverged if the degrees are reserved for the weaker students. Difference in students' learning pace would lower the quality of teaching. After carefully weighing in the mind, I can hardly consent to this proposal because it is so inconseivable and impractical.
On the whole, for the reasons presented above, it is sagacious to against the statement that the universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject.
(395 words)
Hi, frankly this is a good writing, but the following point should be considered:
1- First of all,the essay is very long (395 words) in this way you lose your time. Moreover, the essay can be efficiently refine to contain just sentences which add some significant thing to the text. However, the range of vocabulary and grammar is acceptable.
2- Physics-majored- students
I hope the above will be useful for you.
Hi Chow, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope we will be able to provide you with comprehensive and accurate reviews on your essays and overall writing reference. Moreover, I hope you will be able to use our suggestions, in coming up with a much stronger essay.
Now, going back to your essay, the overall flow and grammar form is good, there's not much change to be done. What I like about your essay is that, you were able to start an essay in a strong format and the succeeding paragraphs are the same, however, I would like to edit a few sentences in the concluding part of the essay. Please find the modifications below;
- On the whole, for the reasons presented aboveOverall , it is sagacious to go against the statement that the universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject as this will definitely raise inequality and this will become a serious issue in the future. .
There you have it Chow, for future writing reference, avoid using big words to associate to your essay, remember, not a lot of readers are fond of reading words that they don't seem to understand, the simpler, the better.
