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Ra_fhli 22 / 17 8
Nov 10, 2015   #1
The difficulties of people's obtain when moving across in other countries according to people ages presented by the table chart. It is clear that, every typical age groups had encountered complicated problems, but learning the local language became difficult one for the oldest people.

It is evident that, those witnessed about 55% or almost doubled with the others. While, people who 35 to 54 just showed their weakness around 34%, the youngest people apparently less trouble in local language customization with only at 29%. In contrast, the oldest people seems easier to find the accommodation by showing the lowest percentage at 22 percent, while both of the older and the youngest aged groups almost had the same difficulties with 39 and 40 percent.

Furthermore, the greatest problem portrayed by young people aged 18 to 34 to establish a friendships in which those experienced by 46 percent. However, only 36 percent of 35-to 54-year-olds find it hard to make friends, while the oldest noticed a fewer percentage with only at 23 percent.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459
Nov 10, 2015   #2
I have no words to say, since there is no pict included. For the following pict, it is always good to attach any pict regarding this report writing.

by the table chart

Well, you can use the preposition "BY" with a person/ people as the doer. You need to change it into "IN". Here do I show you an example with the combination between IN and BY. .... presented IN the table BY students. But nevertheless, we always omit "by students" as this part is unnecessary.

those witnessed about 55% or almost doubled with the others.

This lacks referencing and substitution. every starting sentence is written with no referencing and substitution, unless you have mentioned it previously. For this case, the substitution is too vague.

the oldest people seems

a friendships

the oldest

Those are slight mistakes that students are always neglected. What makes students hover at a score of six is that they cannot tackle the matters.
vangiespen - / 4,140 1449
Nov 10, 2015   #3
Rahmat, you have a good start to your essay. The introductory paragraph is alright but could have been made better. Since you already mentioned a specific problem from the chart in the summary report, you could have made the information more complete if you had mention the other 2 problems as well. That would have given a complete overview of the report topics at the very least. Such a move on your part would have given the reader an idea as to the more concrete topics and coverage of discussion that is to follow. In other words, it would have served as a very effective hook :-)

It is evident that, those witnessed about 55% or almost doubled with the others.

- Since this is the start of a new paragraph, you should always introduce the topic for discussion in the first sentence. It does not matter that you already mentioned it in the summary. As a new paragraph, you have to remind the readers about the topic that you are discussing,. If you read this paragraph without reading the first one, you will definitely be lost and not have any idea regarding what you are reading. An effective essay always keeps the reader informed and reminded of the topic being discussed whenever the need arises. In this case, you should have reminded the reader at the start.

While, people who 35 to 54 just showed their weakness around 34%,

- Again, what are you referring to here? There is a lack of thought clarity in this whole paragraph that needs to be addressed. Don't get misled by the chart being in front of you when you wrote this essay. The examiner in the actual test may not have the chart in front of him. Always assume the worst case scenario and make sure that you include all the necessary topic identifying markers in each sentence or paragraph that you develop.

There are grammar concerns that also exist in the essay. However, since the IELTS concentrates more on the content and format rather than the grammar of the essay, my main concern at this point is to make sure that you have an essay that anybody can understand upon scanning. That does not exist at the moment.
OP Ra_fhli 22 / 17 8
Nov 10, 2015   #4
Iam sorry for my mistaken. Actually I have tried to enclosure the picture. Evidently, the size does not allowed and rejected by the system. I have known it just now.

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