Rahmat, you have a good start to your essay. The introductory paragraph is alright but could have been made better. Since you already mentioned a specific problem from the chart in the summary report, you could have made the information more complete if you had mention the other 2 problems as well. That would have given a complete overview of the report topics at the very least. Such a move on your part would have given the reader an idea as to the more concrete topics and coverage of discussion that is to follow. In other words, it would have served as a very effective hook :-)
It is evident that, those witnessed about 55% or almost doubled with the others.
- Since this is the start of a new paragraph, you should always introduce the topic for discussion in the first sentence. It does not matter that you already mentioned it in the summary. As a new paragraph, you have to remind the readers about the topic that you are discussing,. If you read this paragraph without reading the first one, you will definitely be lost and not have any idea regarding what you are reading. An effective essay always keeps the reader informed and reminded of the topic being discussed whenever the need arises. In this case, you should have reminded the reader at the start.
While, people who 35 to 54 just showed their weakness around 34%,
- Again, what are you referring to here? There is a lack of thought clarity in this whole paragraph that needs to be addressed. Don't get misled by the chart being in front of you when you wrote this essay. The examiner in the actual test may not have the chart in front of him. Always assume the worst case scenario and make sure that you include all the necessary topic identifying markers in each sentence or paragraph that you develop.
There are grammar concerns that also exist in the essay. However, since the IELTS concentrates more on the content and format rather than the grammar of the essay, my main concern at this point is to make sure that you have an essay that anybody can understand upon scanning. That does not exist at the moment.