Eid al-Fitr is the most popular celebration in muslim world, especially in Indonesia. In such a country, there is a culture, namely "mudik" or homecoming, returning to one's hometown. On the other hand, some problems appear simultaneously with this phenomena, such as people enforce themselves to homecoming instead the funds is not sufficient and dramatic increase of crime numbers. To tackle this dilemma, viable measures, like brainwashing people about the essential of such an event and increasing the society protection from crime in few days before Eid, should be attempted.
As homecoming is worthy culture of almost entire muslim in such a nation, Indonesian usually forced themselves to do such a habit, while not all people have enough money to undertake it. Such a condition gives significant encouragement to do crime. The level of crime increases dramatically in the last week of Ramadhan which it near from Eid al-Fitr. According to Pagaralam Pos, a popular local newspaper, there is a dramatic growth of crime in several days before Eid al-Firtri. Increasing transaction in banks and consuming in society causes malevolent people to show off. Besides that, several reports show that there is a terrible extortion that occurs between entrepreneur and hoodlum. In addition, homecoming also becomes an event to show people's wealth. Many people wear plentiful jewelry in their body. With that situation, it will stimulate themselves to show more glamour in the following years.
To solve those problems, some solutions have been gained. First and foremost, educating people about the essential of Eid al-Fitr celebration is one of the excellent long term measures. The main purposes of such a celebration are making better relationship among members of family. We should tell about showing the treasures while celebrate Eid al-Fitr is not good manner. Furthermore, increasing the security among few days before Eid al-fitr is a perfect way to answer the dramatic increase of crime. Such an idea will make people feel safer while doing their regularly activities.
To conclude, homecoming cannot be considered as separate event with Eid al-Fitr. While such event gives some problems, outstanding solutions should be concerned. It is suggested that government and other stakeholders should take this into account.
Hi Mahdi, I think that your prompt is quite rare. This is my first time seeing Eid al-Fitri as IELTS writing topic. I hope that I can still able to give you some feedback.
1st paragraph:
- I don't really think that defining "mudik" is necessary. If this is an IELTS topic, it should be generally recognizable by most people. Defining the topic would only waste your time in composing this essay.
- However, you've successfully outlined your thesis statement. This is a good start for an IELTS writing.
2nd paragraph:
- In formal writing or academic writing, "Muslim" especially the first letter M should be written in uppercase. This is because "Muslim" represents people. For example, when you are going to write Indonesian people or American people, don't you realize that the first letter is in capital? So that's why writing by using a proper capitalization is important.
3rd paragraph:
- This paragraph and the previous paragraph were lack of overall progression or conclusion. You need to give at least one concluding sentence for each paragraph and use proper cohesive devices such as Therefore / All in all / Thus / many other options. Adding concluding sentence would improve your band score significantly.
4th paragraph:
- You can just simply paraphrase your thesis statement rather than writing a new thought or only a simple statement. This will dangerous for your position. You have to remember that relevant position will definitely improve your band score.
Overall, this is a well-written piece of writing. There were only minor grammatical mistakes. The thing that you need to concern has been well-explained by me in the above-mentioned feedback. I hope you can follow through. Good luck for the next practice :)
