Stress-related illnesses from work
It is common to see that, these days, many employers are suffering from pressure-related diseases. This essay will discuss the two main causes of stress-related diseases including overworking and lacking work-life balance. This essay also suggests two main solutions to this problem including having a logical working schedule and engaging in physical exercise.
People are working longer hours than ever before, in addition, they have to encounter a severe lack of work-life balance. With the development of technology, nowadays, a variety of jobs have been replaced by technological equipment. This makes the world of work becomes increasingly competitive, so to survive in that environment, people have to put their work life under a lot of pressure. For instance, being a teacher in the modern era, one has to be competent in his or her discipline and skilled at using technological gadgets serving his or her teaching job. From that, people can not have adequate time to take care of themselves and their families. This leads to diminishing their quality of life.
To protect people from these negative phenomena, many useful ways have been recommended. Such as having a reasonable timeline and doing regular exercise. Firstly, it is believed that having a reasonable timeline for working so that they can have more spare time to pursue other pastimes and rejuvenate themselves. This simultaneously improves their work performance. Secondly, many well-advised recommendations from health specialists show that doing exercise frequently or taking up a new sport allows workers can enhance their mental health and reduce stress in their work field, and at the same time foster their creativity. This could be substantially beneficial for people who work in some occupations related to arts, such as writers or artists. Therefore, to avoid suffering from diseases led by strenuous workload, workers need to have a stable working schedule and engage in physical regularly.
In conclusion, in today's fast-paced world more and more people are becoming ill as a result of stress. This essay indicated how to stay away from getting disorders related to intense workplace stress and suggested the solutions to this issue are twofold: to have a suitable workload and to do exercise on a regular basis.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,033 4247
The prompt restatement is acceptable enough. What is not acceptable is the mere repetiition of the discussion questions when the guide questions meant for these to be the establishing discussion points for the writer's opinion in the first paragraph presentation. Due to the lack of clear writer opinion presentation, the first paragraph cannot receive a passing score. It can only get a fraction of a score based on the prompt restatement.
There needs to be 2 causes and 2 solutions presented in this essay, not just a single cause and 2 solutions. The writing has to be done in paragraph partnerships. One problem, one solution, within a single paragraph. By doing this, the clarity of the writer's opinion and the strength of his opinion becomes clear to the examiner. It will result in a better score than the writer might expect to receive.
I think you have an understanding of how to make your paragraphs connected. However, there must have been a problem with the thinking process. To me, the 2 main causes you came up with are basically the same or may be overworking will lead to work-life imbalance. When you state 2 main causes like this, the result is that your first paragraph becomes so vague. I don't see a separation between the two causes and instead, it looks more like a one-idea paragraph.
That you write "people have to put their work life under a lot of pressure" sounds a little unnatural and awkward to me.
"To protect people ... Such as having a ..." This 2 sentences should be combined into 1.
"it is believed that (...) more spare time..." You seem to not know how to use grammar structure properly and the sentence coming after this one sounds disconnected with this.
Incorrect usage of "disease"
The second sentence in your conclusion is very problematic. It doesn't refer back to the causes and the language is not appropriate: 'how to stay away from getting disorders related'. To show others how to do something is not the purpose of your essay.