people live longer and the population grow older
It is a startling evidence that the average expectation of life has lengthened recent years, which poses a worldwide challenge for both individuals and society. Now government already has some principal measures to get the better of aging populations.
Longer life makes a tremendous impact on several aspects in life. As people live longer and the population grow older, certain related issues can be anticipated. First, elderly people tend to be vulnerable to chronic diseases which require special treatment and finance from young generation. A larger budget will be devoted to serve the growing demands of aging populations, leading to the increase in tax revenues for the government. In addition, people claiming pension benefits and lack of working adults can result in a stagnating economy. Second, the old generation cannot integrate with the young often get lonesome and form a pressure group for the younger generation. As a result, generation gap between generations can increase a high rate of dysfunctional family with load of unworthy conflicts.
In order to minimize the aforementioned influences, some suggested solutions should be taken into consideration seriously by the leading authority. Stable future workforce and subsidies are main means to encourage young people to have more children. Nowadays, young people have inclination for marriage without having babies because they do not want to dutifully pay unnecessary expenses, thus annuities probably increase the demands for children of the young. Besides, population growth trending increase is the main issue producing much social disruption and labor shortages. Top ruling organs should liberalize its immigration policies to permit of working adults from outer forces. Furthermore, it is urgent that the government expenditure be used to invest the improvement in the quality of public services such as healthcare and accommodation for the old.
To recapitulate, aging populations have lots of effect on a number of problems. Therefore, authority should immediately control the rise of the elderly by many means of measures before the cause of fast-growing old populations getting worse and worse.
has lengthened (in) recent years
First, elderly people----------------------You stated the first problem
In addition, people claiming -You stated the second problem
Second, the old generation---You stated the third problem, but you called it second
And I think it is better to use First-ly and Second-ly
To recapitulate, this sounds so strange to me, maybe just use something simple like "in conclusion"
Thank you very much.
1. Now government ... aging populations ----which are better for the problem of aging population
2. should be taken into ... ----should be considered seriously
3. aging populations have lots of effect on a number of problems.------contribute to numerous
4. the cause of
fast-growing old increasing aging population getting worse and worse dramatically. Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,584 3758
Your essay is not properly developed in terms of the original prompt discussion. The original prompt indicates:
In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.
The outline for this discussion, which you obviously did not do before writing the essay is:
Topic: Life expectancy is increasing
Discussion Points: Problems for individuals and society?
Discussion format: Suggest measures to reduce the impact of aging population
So the format should have been:
Par. 1: Paraphrase and direct response:
Advanced countries have seen an increase in in one's life duration. This poses complications in the life of both the elderly and and the community that they belong to. Based on a few social and personal considerations, specific problems related to the growing elderly population can be addressed to help minimize the problems their existence causes for the younger generation.
Keep in mind that you always have to represent the original discussion in the paraphrase, without ever using the same terms as the original. You should also be sure that you covered all the 3 presentation points in the paragraph. I outlined the specific sections you have to represent above in the discussion outline. Compare your current presentation of the paraphrase to mine and you shall see how your paraphrase fell short of expectations and information presentation.
Par. 2: 2 connected discussion topics. In your first reasoning paragraph, you already had 2 connection discussions before you added the one about having the elderly integrate with the young generation. Your first 2 discussion topics, (1) vulnerable to chronic diseases which require special treatment and finance from young generation and (2) people claiming pension benefits and lack of working adults can result in a stagnating economy were more than sufficient for the discussion paragraph. It just needed justifications to support your claims. The third one is unnecessary in the paragraph presentation. In fact, this paragraph has good reasons, but is short in terms of justifications / properly developed explanations and examples. So the paragraph will be seen as under developed. Just presenting reasons, without supporting information does not help, not even if you wrote very long paragraphs. When there is no clarity to the discussion, your essay is bound to fail. Use the following format next time:
- Topic Sentence 1 (Individual problem)
- Reason you believe this
- Topic sentence 2 (society problem)
- Reason this connects to the first topic (final problem presentation)
- Combined reasons example
- Final explanation
This is the format you should have used for both the problems and suggested measures so that your explanations would have been more than just reasons that did not have proper justifications and examples to prove your points. What you did in the discussion was incorrect because you decided to discuss a secondary topic not included in the original prompt which is marriage without babies. Rather, your solution should have looked at how the current generation can help address the needs of the elderly population as latter's lives continue to extend beyond their expectations.
Your discussion should have been properly outlined before you started writing it. In this case, I can tell that you just thought of what you wanted to write, without properly thinking of how it connected to the discussion topics as required. You just wrote and wrote, never mind if it wasn't clearly explained or if connected properly to the discussion requirements. That is exactly the method by which one fails this test.
I take an avid interest for your essay organization