Hello everyone;
I'm new in this wonderful forum. Kindly assess my essay and say if I can get 6.5 in writing section.
Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
While people tend towards the viewpoint that living in a country which is adopting a foreign language may create to one's habits major problems in socially and practically aspects. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that living with people who speak another language than my own is a big challenge to take up.
First of all, I believe that the fact to be obliged to speak a foreign language is a great opportunity of learning and raising new challenges. If someone is socializing with native speakers of another language and had the determination to acquire new skills, this person will get the chance to talk with others by using this language in a short time. For example, a lot of people are able to communicate several languages in parallel not because they pursued courses at university but because they spent a huge periode with speakers of these languages. That's why it is important to live in a country where a foreign language is required.
Secondly, mastering another language is a postive added value for career growth. In other words, there is a strong relation between the number of languages we speak and our future career prospects. People who excel in the most spoken languages in the world are likely to find jobs easily. For instance, my brother who masters english very well was enable to get a job in his country. And after enduring years of ups and downs, he found the position of his dreams in Unites States. Thus, advantage of being forced to speak another language in the country we live outweigh the drawback of social and practical aspects of this matter in long-term perspective.
In conclusion, it seems to me that living in a country where it is compulsory to speak another language is more beneficial than other problems we may encounter because it gives great opportunities of growth and big challenges to raise.
@Learner_english1
I can see that you have fairly good grammar and your essay structure is quite clear. However, you should learn more about word collocation and further improve your vocabulary. The parts that I recommend you to revise are:
- Your introduction: The paraphrasing of the topic is not accurate. "While people tend... -> Many people think that" just use a clear and simple phrase to express your ideas.You altered the meaning of the topic by saying "country which is adopting a foreign language" it means in those countries, English is not a native language but they adopt it and use it as an official one (like India or Singapore) while the topic is "living in a country where...". "may create to one's habit" is meaningless. Try to use simple language that you understand well.
- Please note that this is an opinion essay so your main body paragraphs should focus on explaining the reasons why you disagree with the statement and each paragraph should focus on a central topic. You ended your second body paragraph with a sentence that is unrelated to the central idea and you may be marked down because of this. Similarly, your conclusion did not well summarized your ideas. It is like the conclusion of an advantages/disadvantages essay.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The pivotal prompt restatement is so unclear in your version, the reader will undergo stress while reading it. Even several readings of the first sentence do not make any sense. It lacks a proper representation of the prompt. Your response to the question, as well as the possible discussion outline at the end of the restatement is partly correct. Party correct because, while you gave a measured response to the dis/agree question, your discussion outline does not represent the proper discussion points. You changed the discussion slant of the essay because of it. You could have been more prompt adherent in this essay had you used something similar to the following:
When a person moves from one country to another, that person will have to learn to speak a different dialect. Learning to communicate with others in a second language can prove to be challenging for most people in terms of building community relationships and everyday living situations. I completely disagree with this idea for two reasons. Those reasons are that speaking a new language offers one a learning opportunity and having a second language tends to have career benefits
As you can see, by providing the response to the question and the outline of the discussion reasons, you will be able to create a task accurate essay that focuses on the proper format for the reasoning paragraphs. In this case, there is no way your discussion will ever go off topic because you already outlined your discussion reasons at the start. So the examiner can tell that you understood the given discussion topic and that you will be responding in a proper format to the essay. What happens in this portion is that your score will see a TA score boost. Right now, the lack of clarity in that section of your writing will prevent the essay from achieving a passing score.
Good work on the reasoning paragraphs though. Although there is still a noticeable C&C problem in the presentation and the GRA needs a lot of work, you were able to deliver the required elements that helped the examiner understand what you were trying to explain, albeit in a difficult to understand manner. You formatted the paragraph properly with:
- Topic sentence
- Explanation
- Example
- Supporting explanation
I would have liked to see a transition sentence at the end of the paragraphs though. That would have helped to better portray the cohesiveness or connection of the current paragraph to the next one. It would have also helped your C&C score and perhaps, lend a boost to your GRA score as well. The LR score would have benefited from a better vocabulary usage though. The problematic sentence structures really pulled down the scoring potential.
Avoid run-on sentences. Your concluding paragraph should have been separated into 3 sentences that represent the concluding recapitulation of the discussion. That was another section of your presentation that would have dragged down your TA score. Spelling errors, grammar issues, word choice errors, and a host of other problems really will prevent this score from achieving a passing score. There are too many errors for me to correct in a single post. I would like instead to focus on the immediate problem of your essay and also, give you a boost of confidence based on what you did right. That way, you will understand when I tell you that you need to be more careful when you write. Always ask someone close to you who knows how to read and write in English to review your work. They can help you spot the errors and fix the mistakes. That way, you will get used to always checking your work before saying it is ready to be graded.
Many thanks. I'm so grateful
