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[IELTS] Problems and solutions for regional unbalance?


SalMon 10  
Jun 13, 2014   #1
Experts :) Here is my essay :) Could you review and rate (if possible) for me? Thanks a lot :)

Topic: In recent years, some countries have experienced very rapid economic development. This has resulted in much higher standards of living in urban areas but not in the countryside.

This situation may bring some problems for the country as a whole.
What are these problems?
How might they be reduced?

================================

For the last decade, some nations have grown out of crisis and thrived to be prosperous. This is significantly reflected in higher living standard in some cities while the miserable conditions in rural areas still remain unchanged. As a country in which this issue is still dominant, it may suffer from some problematic aftereffects which call for some viable solutions.

Economically speaking, a country may be susceptible to an unstable economic growth as long as the regional unbalance exists. While the commercial dynamism in urban areas contribute largely to the domestic budget, the countryside is weighing it down. More precisely, the government still has to allot quite a fortune to resolve sub-human conditions in such area, which include poverty, famine, epidemics and illiteracy. In other word, the national money flows in a vicious circle, which neither helps it grow nor brings it down.

From the political perspective, the country may also suffer chaotic situations, when citizens in the countryside launch campaigns to demand equality. Unsatisfactory with the disparities between people who share the same nation, the residents may overthrow the authority, vandalize or worse, stop working to provide profits. Therefore, the nation will lose its credibility on the global scale, followed by the demolished partnerships with some neighbors.

To solve this problem, initially, the government should pay more attention to the suburb. By diverting inward investment to this area, or phasing in high-technology industry, the power-holder may help the countryside be on par with modern cities. So long as living standard gap is minimized, the issue is somehow tackled.

To sum up, differences in regional standard of living are the main cause of slow economic rise and political turmoil. It is the responsibility of the government to assure money-making centres are distributed equally everywhere, if they want to reduce these problems.

fikri 71  
Jun 13, 2014   #2
you have composed well, but you need to write some details, you can give examples from your daily lives or your experiences
nightmare2k 3  
Jun 13, 2014   #3
You deserved a five stars.
Just a small thing here

demand equality

-> equity, not equality
thanhphongct1 2  
Jun 13, 2014   #4
you wrote this essay in how long? this topic is really tough but you are still able to write it perfectly well that i cant find out any big mistakes, but hey "imbalance" not "unbalance" :D

i rate this one at approximately band 8.5, maybe this is your best essay
rockybir  
Jun 13, 2014   #5
great essay..range of vocabulary is excellent.
coherent and cohesion is very good.
grammar control is excellent....8.5 or 9 band essay
tiaDS 52  
Jun 14, 2014   #6
Dear salmon,

I really love your essay and you always use good sentence, collocation, vocabularies. I think that your lexical resource and grammatical issue is done. You can use testbig.com to know your score prediction and I only have a suggestion for you that, write your essay more specifically in body. As I told before using the real story is the best example and it makes your essay more impressively.
OP SalMon 10  
Jun 14, 2014   #7
thanks for you lovely words :) Really love the website :) I will try here and there okay :) But hey, my teacher told me that using the real story of ourselves is the last to think of, for we should seek news or articles or other trustworthy sources? Is that gonna be fine?
tiaDS 52  
Jun 14, 2014   #8
using the real story of ourselves

Salmon, I think that the real story is not from ourselves but from well-known or famous people's story. Perhaps this link can help you to understand how to use real story for an example. ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2014/05/ielts-writing-task-2-add-your-own-conclusion.html
OP SalMon 10  
Jun 14, 2014   #9
Hi tiaDS :)
Well, that's what I have always wanted to do. But you know, even I have watched BBC and CNN all day, I don't absorb much, I can't put any good examples in my essay :( how can I improve my example ?
tiaDS 52  
Jun 15, 2014   #10
you can give examples from your daily lives or your experiences

I think that an example from writer experience is not strong enough, but you can mention famous or well-known person who has a story which relate with the topic.
OP SalMon 10  
Jun 15, 2014   #11
yeah I know, but where can I get those examples :<
niesaysi 82  
Jun 15, 2014   #12
While the commercial dynamism in urban areas contributes largely to the domestic budget...
the country may also suffer from chaotic situations,
It is the responsibility of the government to assure money-making centres are( no need to put "are") distributed equally everywhere, if they want to reduce these problems.

Other than those corrections above, you have presented your essay very well :)
OP SalMon 10  
Jun 15, 2014   #13
thank you for your correction :D
dumi 1592  
Jul 10, 2014   #14
For the last decade, some nations have grown out of crisis and thrived to be prosperous.

Well... this is your hook which attracts your reader and provides a great entrance to your essay. So, it needs to be more meaningful and relevant to the topic.

This is significantly reflected in higher living standard in some cities while the miserable conditions in rural areas still remain unchanged.

You need to improve clarity of this idea. This is my suggestion for you;
We often notice that the people enjoying higher living standards in the urban areas while the people living in remote villages are less privileged in terms of quality of life.


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