Unanswered [31] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


IELTS: procedure of making cement / traffic congestion & air pollution


hoho8453 1 / 1  
Jul 3, 2014   #1
Here is my practice for ielts writing test,in the following. Thank you for your help! I already attach the file( document) which contains both of question and my essay!

Task 1
The diagrams below respectively illustrate the procedure of making cement by using equipment and several stages, and the process of producing concrete through using the previously produced cement and several ingredients. Overall, making cement requires some raw materials, such as limestone and clay, and goes through six stages, afterward, the produced cement will be used as one of the ingredients to make the concrete through mixing the ingredients together.

To begin, both of limestone and clay are put into the crusher so as to break them into the form of powder. And then, the powder is mixed by the mixer and is delivered to the rotating heater. Next, the powder is heated and rotated around simultaneously in the rotating heater. After that, the powder becomes a pile of heated mud and is pressed by grinder to be the cement eventually. The cement is packaged up by different bag for sales and producing the concrete.

To produce the concrete, different ingredients, including 15% of cement, 10% of water, 25% sand as well as 50% gravel, should be put into concrete mixer, based on the appropriate proportion. Followed by turning on the mixer so as to blend all of raw materials together. Ultimately, the concrete is successfully produced and is used for building.

Task 2:

Nowadays, the problems of traffic congestion and air pollution are increasingly widespread, because of private cars overly driven by people. In the meantime, whether increasing the price of petrol is the best solution to deal with the problems has become a highly debatable issue. As far as I am concerned, it definitely is the best way to effectively tackle the problems. Also, there are a lot of effective alternatives that can cope with the problems as well, except increasing the fuel prices. These will be discussed in the essay in the following.

The increase in fuel prices can systematically address the problems. First of all, people will decide to use the substitute, the electronic car, when the price of petrol is increased, as rational people will respond to the incentive of using alternatives to save the cost. The increase in the price of petrol, for example, will increase private car drivers' cost and make it expensive. Thus, they will take purchasing the electronic cars to replace the fuel-used car into account, considering in the long run, in order to minimize the influence of fluctuated fuel prices and save cost. Secondly, private car drivers will be likely to take public transportation as a substitute of driving on their own for work for saving the cost, owing to the increase in fuel prices. If more and more drivers tend to take public transportation, such as bus, minibus as well as MTR, the probability of occurring traffic congestion will be tremendously fallen. As a result, the congestion will be rare, while the air pollution will be moderated.

Admittedly, the best method, which is increasing the price of fuel, will generate some potential threats, such as an increase in the price of public transportation that will increase the financial burden of working class citizens, non-driver; therefore, the other relatively useful manners can be used to solve the problems. First and foremost, the government can implement some subsidies, with reference to purchasing an electronic car as an alternative way, to current drivers for encouraging them not to use petrol-needed car. It can provide an incentive for them to change the car they are using so as to reduce the air-pollution, as electronic car will not lead to any pollution. Also, the government can produce some educational promotions to encourage citizens using the public transportation through broadcasting on different channels, like television, website and so on. This method can directly enhance people's awareness of reducing driving private cars. Hence, the problems can be dealt with at the same time.

In summary, although increasing the petrol price can more effectively cope with the problems, it also generates a drawback. Therefore, the government can also consider the methods of subsidy and educational advertisement for solving the problems as well. I do believe that the problems will be fully resolved as the rapid development of advanced technology.





OP hoho8453 1 / 1  
Jul 3, 2014   #2
the question for my writing





knowielts - / 1 2  
Jul 3, 2014   #3
I took a look at your Task 1 and it looks pretty good. You have a high level of vocabulary and grammar; however, I did not notice some areas that could use improvements.

Feedback on Task 1:

illustrate the procedure of making cement by using equipment and several stages

through several stages

stages, afterward,

stages. Afterwards,

And then, the

And then the / Then the

After that, the

After that the

is pressed by grinder to be the cement eventually.

is pressed by the grinder to become cement eventually.

The cement is packaged up by different bag for sales and producing the concrete.

The cement is packaged into different bags for both selling and producing concrete.

including 15% of cement, 10% of water, 25% sand as well as 50% gravel,

including 15% cement, 10% water, 25% sand and 50% gravel..

Followed by turning on the mixer so as to blend all of raw materials together.

This step is followed by turning on the mixer so as to blend all of the raw materials together.

is used for building.

is used for building purposes.

You may benefit from reviewing:
- use of commas
- parallelism
- linking words at start of sentences
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 15, 2014   #4
Have two different threads for each task. By having both in one thread, you would lose your chances of earning more feedbacks and comments on your writing. As per forum rules, each thread should contain one essay.

For the Task 1, which is aimed at assessing your report writing skills, you should adopt a more formal and reporting writing style. Avoid phrases like "To begin with" etc.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: procedure of making cement / traffic congestion & air pollution
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳