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TOEFL: Y/N Professional athletes who receive high salaries are fully entitled to all money they get.

Olivia33 3 / 3 1  
Jan 3, 2016   #1
Below is a Toefl essay. I am not sure about the language use. Could you please help me with the vocabularies and sentence structures and give me some suggestions? I'd appreciate that. :)

SUBJECT: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Professional athletes who receive high salaries, such as football and basketball players, deserve what they get.

Professional athletes are among the most affluent professions in the society. Based on this fact, divergent voices arise on the issue that whether athletes deserve such a high salary or not. I hold the view that professional athletes should receive the money.

To begin with, the hard work of professional athletes is well worth the money they earn. As is known to all, professional athletes have to receive laborious and formidable training every day, the extent of which is beyond normal people's acceptance. Take Yang Sun for example, who is an Olympic champion swimmer. Based on an interview of him, he said he has to swim for 10 miles every single day, which can be exhausting and crazy. "There are lots of times when I want to give up because I think I cannot handle that." He smiled to the camera, "But I overcame the obstacle both physically and mentally, and I won the Olympics." From his words, we can clearly feel how many efforts he had invested in training before every competition. It is true that athletes like Sun may make more money than normal people, but the energy and time they have put in their career is obviously more than ours. Therefore, it is not unfair to claim that they deserve the high salary.

Besides the hard work, professional athletes serve as other purposes for us. For one thing, their jobs entertain our daily life. Sports is an indispensible part of our life. Every day after class, I will watch some sports games to relax, ranging from basketball, soccer to tennis. The excellent performances brought by those athletes let us taste the charm of sports and competition. I, as a fan of tennis, always feel relaxed while watching the games, which also help me to get rid of the pressure from my study. For another, professional athletes do other things besides sports which are beneficial to our human beings as a whole. For instance, many well-known athletes actively engage in charitable organizations and voluntary work. One of the NBA stars Yaoming is a perfect example. He is always dedicated to helping poor kids in poverty-stricken places in China. So far, he has donated sports facilities to more than 120 rural schools. Although professional athletes do not have the duty to do such things, but once they are willing to help those in need using the money they have earned, any objection to their high salaries seems to be untenable and not humane.

In conclusion, professional athletes deserve high salaries because of their hard work, what they have done to enrich our daily life as well as their warm hearts towards those needy people in our world.

thiet sun 5 / 6 1  
Jan 4, 2016   #2
I hold the view that professional athletes should receive the money. high salaries
As is known to all
I want to would like/ would love give up
how many efforts he had invested made => colocation
OP Olivia33 3 / 3 1  
Jan 4, 2016   #3
Thanks a lot.:) @thiet sun
Sometimes I just find it hard to use words or colocations correctly in my essay.
I'm still a little confused about "how many efforts he had made", because " invest efforts/time/money in something "is right, isn't it?

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