Hi Ucha,,
These are a few suggestions to improve your score in this essay
Please, review my notes and deal with themrather than in high school level
Secondary school has different meaning with the high school. It is better if you only write its original word rather than you paraphrase but making fault.I assume that a couple of benefits
Avoid using word "assume".. I TEND TO STATE THAT A COUPLE OF BENEFITSOn the one hand, it is often said that
acquiring LEARNING foreign language will (...) a child PERIOD because children are able to imitate language EASIER than adolescence. This IS also supported by the theory of THE second language and learning acquisition
, which
is stated that Critical Period (...) or learn THE second/foreign language.
... who enrolled in AN international kindergarten ...
... since childhood become A good foundation for (...) or spoken in THE foreign language such as English RENOWNED AS THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE.
.., learning THE foreign language in primary ...
So CONSEQUENTLY , children may not be able to focus on ...
... childhood is the period
in which WHERE they played more than learning. As a result,
many A GREAT NUMBER OF children cannot enjoy ...
All in all, regarding
to both point of views, it (...) started to learn THE foreign language ...
(Honestly, your conclusion is less sharpen because I have not found why you said that learning the foreign language in the primary school is better than in the secondary. I believe you can make it better.)