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progress is always precarious; every step toward it brings suffering, sacrifices


here2study 6 / 14  
Apr 10, 2014   #1
Hi..

I am preparing for TOEFL and here is my essay. Could you please help me to improve my writing.

Thanks in advance.
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Question:- Do you agree or disagree with the following statement. Progress is always good. Use specific reasons and details to support answer.
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In today's world we have progressed a lot from lifestyle to the technology and we will progress a lot more in the future, but has any one thought about how we made this progress. The answer is negative. It is well known saying that in order to go forward, one has to make great amount of sacrifices and compromises. Certainly, it makes me clear that progress does not always come alone, but it also brings few disadvantages with it which affect our lives.

We are living in the world of advancement where we can see a development in the society and industries. This progress makes our lives more comfortable and easier. However, we have to look on the flip side of this progress and to think about how much we have sacrificed in order to make ourselves convenient. For instance, we are cutting down more and more trees in order to expand cities and industrial areas, which results in deforestation. Deforestation causes many species and animals to lose their habitats, which impact our ecological balance. Moreover, less trees on the earth results in producing more carbon dioxide and less oxygen, which affect our environment severely. I think it is very simple that we are losing our natural environment in order to get progressed.

In this fast paced world progress has become one of the causes for destroying communication and interactions among people. We are running like a machine or robot in order to fulfill our dreams and goals. For instance, some people want to have promotion in their professional carrier, while other want to have a big house in their life. In order to achieve all those goals, we forgot who we actually are! As a result, we are keep getting away from our friends and family, and it increases generation gap between us and our children. Hence, I believe progress is the one which is responsible for destroying communication. Does any one think about all these negative impacts of being progressed?

Given the evidences, it seemed to me that progress is always precarious. It can come in many desirable forms, but also brings unwanted things as well. I strongly agree that every step toward the progress requires suffering and sacrifices.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Apr 10, 2014   #2
What is your opinion? It is always good to close an intro with stating your opinion more directly rather than leaving the reader in a vague situation.

A closer look at the task: agree or disagree
For me, if you are offered such task, then you are asked to take a position, which is neither in total agreement nor total disagreement, but somewhere in between. Then, you should explain why.
Shokhusrav 10 / 27  
Apr 10, 2014   #3
In order to achieve all those goals, we forgot who we actually are!

This sentences is too informal. You should show your opinion not emotions)
Also use more general structures in your sentences:

As a result, we are keep getting away from our friends and family

As a result, people (1) seem to push aside their personal lives.
(1) use words such as seem, appear, may in order to be tolerant to the reader.
Good luck!:D
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Apr 11, 2014   #4
Follow Pahan's suggestion seriously if you intend to score for this task.

In today's world we have progressed a lot from lifestyle to the technology and we will progress a lot more in the future, but has any one thought about how we made this progress.

This is your opening sentence and it should have the ability to hook your reader throughout your writing. So it should be a catchy sentence which is preferably shorter, interesting, meaningful and relevant to your topic. Follow this approach for the intro;
OP here2study 6 / 14  
Apr 14, 2014   #5
Hi Dummi..

Thank you so much for giving me suggestions. Can you please help me how to introduce hook at the beginning of the introduction. My problem is I can easily find reasons and details, but sometimes I do not get any ideas on how to start introduction. What is a hook and how can I write an interesting hook ? Could you please help me?

Thanks in advance...
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Apr 14, 2014   #6
Let me also give some help here :D
Well, if you particularly struggle with the hook, straightaway start with the background part of the introduction. It is easier to do the background because it is a matter of paraphrasing your prompt. You would not lose lots of marks by doing this way although the hook helps you impress your examiner :) (However, it is good to have your examiner impressed because your score is in his hands....lol) Intro with just background and thesis statement is quite ok :)


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