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Prohibit the fast food industry from advertisement? Opinion essay.

Jimmy879873 6  
Dec 23, 2017   #1
Many people think that fast food companies should not be allowed to advertise while others believe that all companies should have the right to advertise? What is your opinion?

fast food commercials

It is a common belief that the advertisement from the commercial entities of convenience food ought to be prohibited. Though, others think that every industry has equal opportunity to advertise their commodities. In my opinion, I do not advocate the restriction of advertisement in the fast food industry and will present my reasons below.

One particular reason for the allowance of advertisement to fast food commercials is that every industry has equal value in the economy altogether so discrimination of advertising to one sector is unacceptable. Fast food stores have significant contributions to our society in terms of adapting the fast pace lifestyle of people. Especially when many workers are in hurry for food during their breaks before they return back to their positions. The lunch or dinner break is usually mere 30 minutes to many working people so fast food is their best option because of the convenience and take away service. Therefore, fast food industry ought to be treated as many other industries.

Moreover, the advertisement is an essential tool to fast food industry nowadays in boosting the selling as there are enormous rivals competing to one another. Indeed, as the population is uprising which means there are more people to eat out. Such phenomenon is responsible for the increasing number of cafeterias or restaurants in busy cities. The impacts of various styles of food services entering to the industry are harming the overall sales of fast food chains. As a result, advertising their brands in order to gain more loyal customers is the immediate task of many fast food companies.

To recapitulate, fast food commercials have taken a part of contributions in our society so they should be treated fairly in terms of advertising. As many workers are benefiting from the advantage of convenience foods. Furthermore, the amount of newly opening food places is uprising so the advertisement strategy is the hope of gaining back customers to the fast food industry.

I tend to discard placeholders whenever I can and I hope you can evaluate my essay. Advise on improvement is appreciated! Thank you!
Dec 23, 2017   #2
Dear Jimmy,

* Before looking deeper into your essay, I can clearly notice that you dismissed a crucial part: the introduction or the opening paragraph. When you are being asked to express your opinion in such prompts, you should speak generally of the whole topic. For this particular prompt, you ought to start by speaking about how many companies around the world use all sorts of advertisements to advocate their products. Then you move on to mention that some adhere to these methods applied on the junk food industry while other do not. Finally, you can optionally add a question like " ...Is it appropriate to apply advertisement techniques on such industry? ". Then, in the body paragraphs, you can explicit the arguments that back up the position you take regarding the topic.

* " ...for the allowance of advertisement to fast food commercials " --> The structure is, somewhat, heavy. How about " ...for allowing the advertisement of fast food... ".

* " ...the fast pace lifestyle of people " --> The use of "fast" is just inappropriate here as you are describing the lifestyle and " of people " is just misplaced. How about " ...the highly-paced, modern lifestyle.".

Those are just a few mistakes to point out. But, let me give you an advice: try to read more. Read articles of all sorts of topics. They not only provide you with a great insight into how to make well-written essays and improve your word-choice, they also make a momentous source of examples to add in your essays as they tackle similar topics to the ones you can expect on a TOEFL or IELTS test.

Finally, keep on writing and you will surely become a better writer.
Good Luck :)
Holt [Contributor] 1542  
Dec 24, 2017   #3
SG, you will not be allowed to do research in the testing center. The IELTS and TOEFL essay tests are based upon public opinion and personal experience or knowledge. Researched information is not allowed because you do not have the time to do that during the allotted time and the testing center computers bars internet access for test takers. The computers are on LAN lockdown. Additionally, if you add a question in the opening statement that is not part of the original prompt, you will create a prompt deviation because you will feel compelled to respond to your question and focus on responding to that instead of responding to the original prompt. That will result in an automatic failure of your essay test discussion.

With that cleared up, you have successfully produced an opening statement that falls within all the TA scoring considerations. I would ask you though to no longer repeat the statement "In my opinion" and instead just give a straightforward response such as "I do not advocate". That phrase is clearly a personal opinion and shows a varied use of English vocabulary and a different take on the same sentence structure and presentation. Since this is not a direct response essay, you did well to indicate that the reasons will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.

However, you did not fully utilize the body of paragraphs in discussing your opinion. While this is clearly a well thought out 4 paragraph essay, the inclusion of another paragraph would have pushed your essay towards a higher scoring consideration. In this instance, the more appropriate format would be:

Body 1 - Reason 1
Body 2 - Reason 2
Body 3 - Collective example for both reasons
Concluding statement

By the way, you have to make sure that you use the correct terms in your essay, otherwise, you will lose points in the LR section. Your mistake is as follows:

allowance - a share or portion allotted or granted; a fixed or available amount
allow - to assign as a share or suitable amount (as of time or money)

The term you wanted to use was "allow" and not "allowance" as you are speaking of a soon to be or potentially assigned share of advertising in this instance. The "allowance" is not yet available as of the time the prompt was assigned for writing in this essay.
OP Jimmy879873 6  
Dec 24, 2017   #4
@Holt, thanks for your detailed explanation! As I was finishing the third paragraphs, I realised I may be over 300 words by the time I complete the conclusion part. Now that you advised me to add an extra paragraph, I am confident to write more words in essays. I will also ensure the words that I use is well fit in the contexts. Anyways, I wish you have a Merry Christmas and Happy new year 2018 if I am not ready to submit my next essay in time!
Ann Ngo 1  
Dec 24, 2017   #5
Hi Jimmy,
I have a comment for your essay:
- This is an opinion essay, you should offer your opinion on the main idea sentences which often open your paragraph before taking specific examples to support those main ideas, or you can have 2 paragraphs for the main ideas and spend the third one to support by examples.
Jan 9, 2018   #6
You would have scored 6 bands for your essay, If you have included on more paragraph with examples of both the sides that would have raise your score. Grammar usage is appropriate.

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