Unanswered [8] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  
Home / Writing Feedback   3

A proper training is very significant to make a fundamental structure of children's mind


nilfort  
Mar 11, 2018   #1
Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.

schooling and parenting for children



A proper training is very significant to make a fundamental structure of children's mind. Hence, they can face the future in the right way. Some prefer to teach students at home by their parents or tutors. While others point that it's better for their knowledge to learn at school. In this essay, both of two opinions will be investigated to achieve a consequence.

Parents are considered as the first and foremost teachers for children's education. In home education, children get individual attention from parents due to parent's child can have better look after to them and always aware of their child's weakness. Moreover, they can have a tutor who gives them the hundred percent attention. Thus, excellent education can be provided for them in a free and comfortable atmosphere.

Educational institutes play an effective role to shape up children's social behavior They spend time in the class with other children of same age and start to make new friends. They discuss not only their studies but also about other happening around them. They learn to perform a task in a group which is named "teamwork". They can have Healthy competition amongst students. So, in the future life, they can adapt themselves to a tough situation and new people.

Although, education starts in the family with a copycat of parent's behavior this learning is not programmed. In schools, there is a global standard which can provide balance in society. Furthermore, children who teach at home definitely be less active physically and mentally. To look above, students who learn at school can be more useful for their society or even the world.

To make a long story short, children should be motivated to educate in institutions instead of learning alone at home. According to this, schools and parents can share the responsibility of children's development among themselves.

Samuelsam123 20  
Mar 15, 2018   #2
@nilfort
Hey
First of all strong effort in the essay. However do allow me to make some recommendations

"significant to make a..."
This sentence is not wrong but a better way to phrase is
"significant to build a fundamental structure in the children's mind."

"children get individual attention from ..."
I can understand the meaning of this sentence but just by reading it sentence wise it doesn't make sense.

What do you mean by " parent's children can have better look after to them " ?
" The children's weakness can be overcome by the help and constant attention given by their parents."

Educational institutes play an effective ...
This is a very good opening sentence. Good job.

" ... which is named "teamwork" "
You don't have to say that it is TEAMWORK. You can simply say
" They are able to sharpen their soft skills by learning to work together with other people at a young age. "

Your fourth paragraph has a good amount of ideas to say, yet you phrasing and organizations of ideas are all over the place. I would suggest you to revisit the paragraph and rewrite. You could also present your ideas and points in a comparative manner . For starters such as : Education in schools can provide ...... however it does not cover aspects like ...... which can be taught at home.

"To make a long story short,"
Never write this in any essay . It is a big no no .

"According to this, "
According to what ?

Overall , great effort in the essay as said before. Do read up more to get more facts to further support your claims in this essay, thus making this essay more reliable and trustworthy.

All the best in your study. :)
Holt [Contributor] 1503  
Mar 18, 2018   #3
@nilfort your essay has a series of problems that needs to be addressed before you can even begin to call this a draft essay. For one thing, you began to opinionate on the discussion topic in the opening sentence. Since this is a Task 2 essay, you cannot opinionate until the second paragraph because the first paragraph should only summarize the original prompt with a restatement of the discussion instruction.

Avoid redundancies such as "both of two opinions." Either say "both opinions" or "two opinions". There is no need to state the same information twice. In addition to that, there is no "consequence" in the discussion as both have "differing benefits" for the student. A consequence means that a negative result is arrived at when considering both opinions. That is, I am sure, not what you want to say.

You also forgot to present your personal point of view as a separate, stand alone paragraph discussion in the essay presentation. These major errors though are enough to prevent you from garnering a passing score had this been an actual test.


Home / Writing Feedback / A proper training is very significant to make a fundamental structure of children's mind