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Writing task 1 : Proportion of male and female arrests by offence type, 2008/09

Hammy 13 / 35  
Oct 27, 2018   #1

criminal offences by gender in 2008 and 2009

The bar chart gives information about proportion of male and female arrests by different type of offence in September 2008.
Overall, male and female had nearly the same proportion which is the highest in violence against the person. Nevertheless, robbery of both was the lowest in all of offence.

About proportion of male arrests, the violence against the person took account over 30 percent and next was theft and handing stolen goods with 20 percent. Besides, offences as burglary, criminal damage and drug offences were not serious with just over 5 percent, 10 percent and under 10 percent. Robbery, fraud and forgery made up very small number, just about 3 and 2 percent. Moreover, proportion of other offences was 15 percent.

It's seem to be that proportion of female in violence against the person was higher than that of male, almost a third. The second approximately reached with the first is theft and handing stolen goods proportion, about 31 percent. In contrast, proportions of female in robbery, burglary, fraud and forgery, criminal damage and drug offences were quite little, under 10 percent each of offences. Other offences took under 15 percent.

please show me my mistakes to enhance my writing skill. thanks a lot <3

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,194 3644  
Oct 28, 2018   #2
Diep, the first thing you have to know about the Task 1 essay is that, if you want to get a good score, you need to show a maximum 4 paragraphs. 4 paragraphs creates the magic number that helps the exam taker get the highest possible score based on the 4 bands because you can do a thorough analysis of the given information and assure yourself that you have not missed out on any information that is required for the presentation.

In your presentation you missed out on important information in the summary overview. This is the spot where the short version of the information you will be discussing deeply in the remaining 3 paragraphs are presented. You missed out on presenting the following information:

1. Type of measurement (percentage)
2. List of crimes to be discussed and analyzed
3. highest and lowest points of the trending statement

These missing information should have been presented in the summary because the assumption is that the reader will not have access to the image and therefore, does not have any idea of what information will be presented. As the writer of the analysis report, you are required to make sure that the reader is given a thorough and accurate briefing of the information before the discussion is presented.

The remaining paragraph presentations are acceptable in terms of information presentation. You have written enough words to make sure that your writing will be scored at a higher than simply passing level. You did not do a bad job for a first timer.
OP Hammy 13 / 35  
Oct 28, 2018   #3
thank you for helping me out with your advice, i will do better at the next essay

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