Home / Writing Feedback   ✓ % width Posts: 4

# The proportion of men and women from the Aussie country who did systematic physical activity

just_writer 24 / 42 5
Oct 18, 2017   #1
The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The diagram compares the portion of people from Austalia based on age group who exercise regularly in 2010.

It shows that Australian females have the most activity from age 35 to 64. in contrast, Australian men exercise more when they are younger, specifically from 15 to 24 years old. also from ages 25 to 64, women have more activities than men, but in other periods they are fairly close.

While the portion of active Australian men drops down as they get older, females figures increase. However, when they get older, after 65 years old, numbers are pretty much the same. Also, over 40 percent of both males and females have regular exercise after age 45. Although this number never went under 40 for females, for men in a brief period when they are 25 to 34 it reached to 39.5%.

In conclusion, It seems that females have more physical activities than males in overall. And they reach to almost same number when they are above 65 years old.

(153 Words)

And I have a related question, do numbers count as words in IELTS exam?

pier 11 / 37 9
Oct 18, 2017   #2
@just_writer
There are some misinterpretations in your writing. For example:
It shows that Australian... => The report shows that Australian females between the age 35 to 65 do more exercises.
When you use younger I expect some refrence to older in your previous sentence, because you said in contrast.
portion of active Australian men-> portion of men who do regular exercises
you can ommit but when using also.
have more physical activities =>do more physical activities
Minor:
Capitalize first character in th begining of a sentence.
amaris95 3 / 3
Oct 18, 2017   #3
Hi, here are some corrections I suggested:

in contrast -> In contrast
Australian men -> Australian males (you used the plural form of females at the previous sentence)
also -> Also

" women have more activities than men," -> I think you need paraphrase them again since it sounds vague as to what activities are you referring to.

Hope it helps!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,699 3503
Oct 19, 2017   #4
Yes, numbers are included in the word count. Whether spelled out or numerical, it counts towards the total number of words used in the essay. Now, on to your essay proper. The opening summary that you wrote is again, incomplete. There needs to be an outline of the information that is going to be presented, the method of measurement, and the instructions for the discussion. The trending statement should also be included in this presentation. These all comprise the outline of the body of paragraphs and also, delivers the necessary requirements for the TA scoring based on English comprehension skills. Your opening summary must always follow the required 3-5 sentence requirement without which, the presentation will not be considered a complete paragraph. Without all of the necessary information provided in summary form, your analytical overview can be deemed incomplete and this, scored down.

Be mindful of your spelling. Always double check and proofread before submitting your essay. You made a mistake in presenting the name of the country. In the trending paragraph, you said "Austalia" when you meant to say "Australia". Simple spelling mistakes such as that still result in points deductions.

All the data in the essay must be present in the essay you write. You cannot be selective of the data you will be presenting because that results in an incomplete analysis. The data is there to help you increase the overall information you will be presenting, which will allow you to write more words and thus, increase the GRA score.

Please remember that in academic writing, you are not allowed to start a sentence with "and" because that signifies a connecting term. Since there is nothing to connect at the start of a sentence, you cannot use that term to open the discussion.

 Home / Writing Feedback / The proportion of men and women from the Aussie country who did systematic physical activity