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The proportion of water in six gulf countries in 2000, based on three main objectives


azmi23 17 / 28 3  
Sep 2, 2016   #1
your feedback is very welcome!
ps: attachment of the graph is given below.

WRITING TASK 1 (PRACTICE): WATER USE IN GULF COUNTRIES IN 2000

The bar chart compares the proportion of water of six gulf countries in 2000, based on three main objectives: domestic, agriculture, and industrial. At first glance it is evident that agriculture and domestic were the main purposes within all Middle-East nations.

With an exception of Bahrain and Kuwait, all countries spent most of proportion on agriculture. The highest one was in Oman and Saudi Arabia which have a similar number, at approximately four-fifth, while a minority proportion was spent for domestic. Both UAE and Qatar were 20% less than the first two nations on agriculture, besides a half from it was for domestic. On the other hand, Bahrain spent water mostly on domestic business at more than 50%, while a two-fifth was used for agriculture.

Apart from previous comparison, the least water consumption was for industrial which was consumed at less than 10%. The exception was Kuwait where had a similar percentage for both industrial and agriculture, at less than a fifth.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Dec 13, 2016   #2
Azmi, here's my feedback towards your first and last paragraph. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- ... the proportion of water usage of six gulf countries in 2000. (Stop here, new sentence)It is based on three ...

- At first glance, (comma needed) it is evident that [...] main purposes withinamong all...

Last paragraph:
- Apart from the previous comparison, (...) was for industrial which was consumed at less than 10%.
- The exception(it sounds repetitive from the previous paragraph) was Kuwait where [...] at less than a fifth.(I think that you often use fraction in describing the percentage. Just be careful, over-using it is also not recommended if you want to reach a high band score)

As you can see, you have mistakenly written a paragraph that only consist of 2 sentences. Compressing information in only two sentences is not suggested. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of the given chart. This is also one of the criteria in IELTS writing, particularly in terms of Coherence and Cohesion.


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