Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

The propotion of elder people aged 65 and over in three different countries


fadhilmd25 41 / 75 11  
Nov 10, 2016   #1
The proportion of elder people aged 65 and over in three different regions of world is illustrated in the graph recorded since 1940 and predicted until 2040. Overall, USA and Sweden are tightly closed in numbers, whereas the trend itself showing upward.

Since 1940, the gap difference between USA and Sweden were about 3 percent that led by USA of 10 percent. It then continued to narrowed each other while they were both increased gradually for the next 5 decades, before they initially intersected together at 15 percent. Whereas Japan also seemed closed at beginning with Sweden about 2 percent differences, in forward to fluctuation that happened in 2000.

After the intersection, Sweden has been increased dramatically till the present and is predicted to reached 25 percent in 2040, while USA seemed constant before it will sharply increase in 2020 to reach a peak close in 2040. However, the percentage of old people from Japan has been steadily increased to 8 percent in present days and will rocket up between 2020 to 2040 reaching about 28 percent.




akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 8, 2017   #2
Hi Fadhil, these are my thoughts about your writing task 1. I hope these can help to finalize yours.

I only wanna remind you should create at least 3 sentences in a paragraph. Therefore, you should separate your overview become two distinct sentences. Besides that, you ought to be able to sharpen your overview. Picking up the general trend is a way to get a higher score. The overview is one of points in the task achievement. You view the condition in the whole period so that you can find that key feature.

After that, you should be more aware of ordering the information. Be careful of place the number in the body paragraph. When it doesn't represent appropriately, it can reduce your score. For example, this is your information.

USA and Sweden were about 3 percent that led by USA of 10 percent

USA did not state at 10 percent exactly. You are supposed to write "approximately 10%".

However, there is the crucial point which you have presented. You have had a bravery to compare figures. It can boost your score because you make your description more interesting. I really believe you can obtain the higher your score if you can diminish your repetition.

The key to being the master in the writing task is practicing more and more.
Happy writing, good Luck
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Feb 8, 2017   #3
Fadhil, you have written a very interesting report. It is not mechanical in nature because it shows a clear analysis of the information provided. Although, your opening statement was short as it requires a minimum 3 sentences to accurately represent a complete thought process in a paragraph. You could have expanded on the statement about the upward trend for the third sentence by showing the placement of the countries in terms of the upward trend. Who was in first, second, and third place would have made the opening statement more complete in information presentation.

I am sure that you only overlooked the fact that the tightest point of intersection for the percentage points was at 20% while the three countries began to intersect, information wise, at 15 %. You could have missed that if you did not enlarge the image and only reviewed the minimal version of the chart. Congratulations on writing 177 words. You used more than the minimum word requirement and that certainly helped you to create this informative chart.

Your ability to analyze the given information as accurately as possible is well reflected and you managed to cover almost all the important information of the essay. Any grammar problems involved did not really matter because you still presented an understandable summary of the given chart information. I think you would score anywhere from a 5-6 for your work in this essay.


Home / Writing Feedback / The propotion of elder people aged 65 and over in three different countries