Diep, I wish you had strengthened the introduction paragraph by representing your personal point of view on the matter. It often helps to strengthen the discussion when the writer clearly states that he will be supporting a specific side of an issue. In your introduction, you came across as not wanting to pick a side. I am not sure if it would be beneficial for you to represent yourself that way in a graded essay setting. Anyway, I have some grammatical suggestions for you below.
Nowadays, people can make a career choice to earn a living.
Regardless of the traditional way , going to the office, people can work from home. Although this type of work is on the rise, it has disadvantages besides advantages.
- ... Aside
from the traditional way of going... it has advantages and
On the one hand, w orking from home enables workers to save time
- Working from home...
- Don't open any sentence with "on one hand" when you have not previously stated any information that needs to transition into this particular paragraph.
instead of wasting
- The correct term is "precious time".
Also, with this benefit, employees can decide their own timings and can accommodate other tasks that need to be accomplished.
- Employees can balance their time and accommodate other tasks...
Particularly, for those who have small babies, homely working helps to have time with their children and fulfill their parental responsibility
- For those who have small babies, working from home helps them have ...
Although telecommuting requires some training, it can ensure workers
having a job on the premises and they can make ends meet at least.
- ... workers have a job.
- This is one case when less words makes more of an impact since what you have to say is already self explanatory.
promotion of work
- ... no motivation to work.
homely working cannot
- ... working from home cannot...
homely workers tend not to really work and end up with goofing off. Also, it is impossible for parents to look after their children and do their jobs effectively simultaneously . Hence, without the pressure of a formal set-up or the supervision of the boss, the productivity of work can decline.
- people who work from home tend to not really...
You have written an essay that shows a complete English thought process. We just need to work on your sentence development and structure. This is an acceptable practice essay at the moment.