These days,public debate has been going on in my country over whether the pros of multi-cultured societies are more than the cons.This essay will discuss both sides in this debate.
Some people tend to think that it is true indeed cultural intergration and synthesis, in large
extent,could enhance the devolopment of cultural diversity.As we know,with the proliferation
of globanization,there have been increasingly individuals invest more money in national
commercial trade,which has becomed an indispensable part of our lives and it has been exterting
profound implications on the way we live ,work, play and learn.More importantly,different habitants
from different cultural background, necessitates mutal understanding and enrich their experience.
It could be hard - imaging that if we were lead to the life without a cultural styles,how dull our
daily lives would be ? This trend is not restricted to adults who need to be confronted with challenge and chance,but is also evident among adolescents who ought to borden their horizons
about the world.
On the other hand, it is worth pointing out that some people may claim that multied society would
impels some local cultural to go extinct in terms of languages,customs and even bring them unestimate jeopardization.This is due to the fact that several minority enthic groups, apparently,have many lesser-known costome. It is manifest that those special ways could not adapt to the accelerated society.Despite of this,nothing is set carved in stone.Therefore,there is no one but longs to live the life being behind.
Over all, my conclusion is that it is imperative that our govenment should encourage communiction of culture.More importantly,I am convinced that multied society would be well -advised to augment the devolpement of the whole world.
(I will have the Ielts text next month ,thank you for your advice~)
I feel that your conclusion is strong, but you don't back it up with any of the information you've provided in the rest of your essay. You've provided me with the pros and cons of multicultural civilization and globalization. Thanks, I'm a little bit more knowledgeable now. What you haven't done is argue your point. Try reworking your essay so that it still presents both sides, but also argues what you think is best.
Good luck!
I agree with aroundtheworld. I think you just tried to use as many strong words as you can instead of giving strong arguments. You can do both at the same time of course. What I know about Ielts is that you should focus more on the arguments you are giving. If you search examiners' opinions about candidates' writings on the internet(I can copy paste the website here if you cant find online), you will see that they care more about the content than the vocabulary and the structer.. If your writing is clear without big gramatical mistakes, then you will more likely to get a good score.
Thank you so much about your suggestion, so do you mean that my main mistake is in the last gragragh? How can I give strong arguments?What about bodygraghs? Last time I got 5,so this time I am quite concern about writting.
The first thing I notice is that the vocabulary is way beyond you. You don't use these words in your normal speaking and it shows here. Everything sounds stilted and contrived, like you are trying to impress someone.
But it's not impressive. This essay should be clear, direct and use vocabulary that is simpler and more comfortable for you. The most impressive essay is one where the writer expresses himself/herself easily in an intelligent, fluent way. That is the hardest thing to do.
You're going to have to do a major rewrite, but I think you'll be more pleased in the end.
