Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Protecting all or some wild animals. Essay writing task 2 Academic IELTS

Fuddin Jamil 2 / 1  
Jun 22, 2020   #1
Your feedback means a lot to me🙏

Question :
Many people believe that we should protect all wild animals while others believe we should just protect some of them.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Although some community supports that all wild animals should be preserved as to broaden human's knowledge, others argue not to preserve certain ones posing threat to humans.

The proposition might claim that the protection of all wild animals could strengthen human's knowledge about the lives of such animals. This happens when all wild animals exist, human could understand each of this species' behaviour and the interaction to their kin, in which they can eventually exploit that insight to solve people's problems. A lion, the beast wild animals living in Forest, very often successfully catches their prey by working in a group, for example. Such behaviour could teach human about the advantage of solving problem together when being confronted with complex issue. Therefore, through conservation area, all of these wild animals could sustain their lives.

However, the opposite would argue that society should exclude certain wild animals, posing threat to human's lives. That is to say that, unlike the species of wild herbivore having no interest to injure human or sometimes avoiding people to save their lives, the wild beast such as tiger considers human as their prey and potentially kill them due to its nature as a carnivore. Eventually, society would live under the fear of unwanted attack from such animals. A Local News in India reported that the male tiger from deep forest, entering the small village at night, killed the boy. Such incident occurred when the boy walked and suddenly the tiger pounced this boy from behind. Thus, there would be no use of protecting such animals due to its threat to human.

In conclusion, I think that preserving all wild animals would be necessary, since there will be much useful insight being discovered once people study about their lives. However, society could improve the protection system to avoid such wild animal attack.
thanhdvn 1 / 2  
Jun 23, 2020   #2
@Fuddin Jamil

Hi. Honestly, your essay is quite difficult for me, personally, to understand. So my comment is that maybe you should simplify your sentence structures in order to make your writing clear first. Then, you can build compound/complex sentences based on your simplified ones. That was a good approach in my case. So hope that it works for you, too. Best. :)
Tinathanh 5 / 13  
Jun 23, 2020   #3
Hi, I see that there is the lack of giving your opinion in the introduction paragraph so you need to write one more sentence in that paragraph to show your opinion. In terms of your ideas in the body paragraphs, I think they are not persuasive enough, so I think you should practice planning your essay carefully before writing. One more thing is you should not put any research in the essay, because you just need to show your own ideas.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,692 3498  
Jun 26, 2020   #4
You should not avoid using personal pronouns in this type of essay. You should be using this opportunity to show the reviewer your GRA abilities by using personal singular and group pronouns in the appropriate places. That way you show the examiner that you are capable of properly using the English writing rules in your writing. In this case, the first and second public points of view must be represented by group pronouns to indicate whose opinion is being discussed in the paragraph.

You failed to add your personal opinion as the 3rd reasoning paragraph in this essay. You must not be presenting it as a sentence in your concluding paragraph. That is never done. You should be fully explaining your opinion, based upon the proper consideration of the reasons presented by the previous 2 discussion points.

You will definitely get a failing score in the TA section because you changed the original prompt discussion in your paraphrase. You changed the topic, the reasons, and other points because you decided to exaggerate on the given discussion by including reasons and discussion basis which were never part of the original. You will be seen as altering the original discussion so the total essay presentation is no longer connected to the original discussion presented. Hence, the failing TA score for this essay, which may result in an overall failing score for your presentation after all your other errors are considered.

Home / Writing Feedback / Protecting all or some wild animals. Essay writing task 2 Academic IELTS