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Writing Feedback Posts: 7

Should or should not provide personal information in job application

HanNguyen0510 11 / 28 5  
Dec 2, 2018   #1
Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

presenting personal data for a potential employer

Employers occasionally inquire about candidates' hobbies, interests or marital statuses. Some applicants believe that this personal information is related to and helpful for a job, whilst others disagree and consider it to be discrimination. I agree that providing certain information could be a key element for a selected application. It is going to discuss both points of view in this essay.

According to some research, the company aims to utilize individual information to anticipate their availabilities as well as abilities. That determines how a selected person contributes to the job or distributes her or his time, and it is sometimes a primary factor to employ people in some specific positions. Therefore, it is agreed that what people do after office hours or their marital status holds a significant role. For instance, employers might not consider those whose interest is to participate in parties for a management job or a person who is married for a position that requires traveling frequently.

On the contrary, some people think that it is unnecessary to indicate particular information because it would lead to discrimination. The application form could be reclined due to relationship statuses, which pertains to travel or inconsistent shifts. However, providing personal interests could enhance the possibility to be chosen for a suitable position. Indeed.com is an example at which candidate has to fill in their extra information.

In conclusion, the benefits of presenting personal data are to bring one towards extensive opportunities, while others disagree with it and believe that they should keep their data private in order to prevent unfairness. Nevertheless, an applicant ought to cooperate in allowing to let the employers know their life interests for both benefits.

(279 words)

Hammy 5 / 15 3  
Dec 2, 2018   #2
good job! i feel that paragraphs have own clear ideals and it's suitable for putting commas.
besides, i suggest that you should make the topic sentence more obvious as the second paragraph. you did went straight on the problem and forgot the topic sentence.

moreover, in your conclusion, just claim your opinion!
it's everything i learned and hope that you can get higher score
teacute_9x 2 / 2  
Dec 2, 2018   #3
Your vocabulary is rich and you have good collocations. It is well done!
However, from my point of view, you should shorten the introduction by combining single sentences into complex sentences. It is recommended that you only write 2-3 sentences in that part. Moreover, in the first paragraph, I think you should state your topic sentence clearly at first. The second paragraph has a better structure.

These are the things I know to enhance writing skill. I hope you will get your expected score :)
vietduccan 6 / 11 3  
Dec 2, 2018   #4
Hi, I think there are some problems with your written essay.
The first problem lies on your body paragraphs, where the ideas are put in an irrelevant structure. Never start your body paragraph with a detailed sentence. Always remember to write an opening statement like "an umbrella" of all of the ideas within the paragraph. This means that all the following setences must be used to support your opening statement, not to state new ideas.

The second problems is that your introduction and your conclusion are not completely connected. You should always mention your opinion in the introduction paragraph and restate it in the conclusion paragraph. All you have to do is just paraphrasing your own introduction. This would help you avoid losing score in TA and CC criteria.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,303 1841  
Dec 3, 2018   #5
Han, let's look at the GRA and C&C problems of your essay first. When considering the clarity of your essay, it normally comes across as redundant because you are being too wordy in your presentations. Take for example when you said "... indicate particular information", you could simply said "indicated information" because "information" is understood to be "particular" to the discussion. Therefore, "particular information" does not help to clarify what you are trying to say. Avoid saying "... has to" when indicating "required" information. In this instance, the information is required so you could have said "must fill in information", as the information is not optional. Saying "has to" is not very academic sounding.

A bigger point of clarity in your essay is in your discussion instruction paraphrase. There is a missing subject in the sentence "It is going to discuss both points of view in this essay." The more proper presentation would have been:

After carefully considering the two public points of view, I believe that I can formulate an educated personal assessment of the discussion.

The above discussion instruction paraphrase is clear and to the point. Your version is lacking in clarity and conciseness.

Do not cite research, specially non-sourced sources in this type of essay. You will score best when using personal examples and experiences. Your presentation would have been stronger if you had instead said:

Employers often wish to get to know their applicants better during the interview process. That is why they require additional data during the registration process. The employers believe that there are benefits to requiring background information because...

However, there are some concerns regarding this requirement coming from some job-seekers because...

Personally, I believe that...

In the end, it appears that...

Watch out for your vocabulary usage. Reclined means to set at an angle while decline means to reject. The latter is the word you wanted to use.

You almost got the concluding summary right. The problem is that you introduced new information at the end, which resulted in an open ended essay rather than a concluded essay. Remember, the last paragraph is a discussion wrap up that simply repeats the prompt topic, reasoning subjects, and personal opinion to close the essay.
OP HanNguyen0510 11 / 28 5  
Dec 3, 2018   #6
Thank @Holt for your detail comments. I've practiced and improved my weaknesses as you indicated in my previous essays. Now I am learning how to paraphrase. Could you tell me when will we use "to + V-ing" as the collocation you commented: "there are benefits to requiring." I've been doing a lot of research on the internet and some books, but I have no idea when should I use the structure "to + V-ing" and it is hard to apply that to the essay.
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,303 1841  
Dec 4, 2018   #7
The simplest explanation that I can think of to help you better understand when to use "to+V-ing" is this, add the "-ing" when describing a current or previously completed action. That means, the action is currently being done, taking place, or already completed. Look at these verbs that use the -ing to indicate the status of the action:

I am / I was / I will be eating
The baby is / was crying
I am / I was / I will be watching
She is / She was/ She will be sleeping
He is / He will be / he was talking
They are / They will be / They were cooking

...along with other verbs should make it easier for you to understand when to use "To+V-ing". Any action being done in the moment or that has already been completed requires the addition of "-ing to the end of the word. It connotes an action or situation that is being done or has been completed.

Sometimes, it becomes confusing to follow all of the grammar rules if you are only reading about it. See what I did there? I connoted a past action on your part by adding "-ing" to it. That means you performed a movement, a verb. The only way to can get used to properly using the word is if you keep writing and practicing. Listening to English speakers use the "-ing" reference in a sentence will also help you understand when to use it.

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