Hello! Pease feedback this piece of writing for me... I'm rather confused whether the flow and validity of my arguments, the consistency of tone or the use of vocabulary and grammar is good enough :( Thank youuuu in advance!!
It is neither possible nor useful for the government to provide university education for a large proportion of students.
Do you agree or disagree?
Regarding the paramount importance of university education, many people believe that the access to this category of education should be given to a colossal number of students. Personally, I concur with the opposite viewpoint that providing university education to a large number of students proves unjustifiable and useless for the government.
Admittedly, the provision of university education to multitudes of students is impractical as it can put strain on the government in terms of finance and human resources . Firstly, the cost of infrastructure to facilitate students' learning procedure is exorbitant such as advanced technological devices or demanded equipment for specific faculties, not to mention the high maintenance fees of such accoutrements. For example, students of the health faculty do demand certain instruments for the practice of surgeon, which costs the average amount of $3,772 to operate a surgical laboratory, according to a research by Medical Price Online. Moreover, providing university education to a great deal of students desperately requires a huge number of lecturers. Demanding such large human resources for newly-built universities may put huge emphasis on the quantity rather than the quality of lecturers. They, therefore, may lack the commitment and capacities to nurture the young talents, which can have many adverse impacts on the knowledge accumulation process of students.
Furthermore, providing university education to multitudes of students is useless in light of the waste of resources as well as the imbalance in the workforce. First and foremost, university education does not guarantee and ensure students' later success in life. This is especially true in case that the intrinsic values of university credentials can deteriorate due to the growing number of students possessing them. In such circumstances, it can trigger many difficulties for students to find a desirable profession based on just a university degree and problems for the government as their resources allocated to university education may only lead to the stuck or decrease of employment rates. What is more, the intellectual and labor workforce could face a threat of imbalance. As the increasing number of students who possess a university degree may only aspire to knowledge-based careers, there can be a lack of human resources for manual jobs. Thus, the labor-intensive industries such as mining or agriculture cannot develop, causing great financial losses to the economy.
In conclusion, the provision of tertiary education to multitudes of students can trigger many percussions for the government due to the mentioned justifications.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,026 4247
The main problem that you have with this writing is the word count and your approach to the discussion. For one thing, you mistakenly believed that you need to do a complete and thorough discussion of the given topic, complete with information sources and citations. You do not. You wrote almost 500 words. You do not have to do that. You are over discussing what should be a simple presentation of 5 sentences per paragraph for the 4 paragraph format. For the task 2 essay, you need to KISS it. Keep It Simple Sam!
Let's start with the basics. The prompt restatement + opinion. You need to use a simple single sentence to restate the original topic, without actually discussing it yet. The same goes for your opinion. Give your opinion and 2 reasons why. These will be the reasoning paragraph foundations for the 2 upcoming paragraphs. Total - 3 sentences (at the most).
Do not overdo the discussion reasons in the presentation. Use simple logic, personal experience, and any public knowledge you may have come across before. Do not research and use actual data because that is not what this test is about. The test is based on your ability for logic and reasoning when presented with a simple problem discussion. It is not a research paper, thesis, or dissertation. That is why the word limit is 300 and the time allotment for wiritng is only 40 minutes, with only 30 minutes used for actual writing. The remaining 10 minutes will be for correcting and polishing your paper.
I often tell the students here the same advice I will be giving you now. Learn to use concise sentence and paragraph presentations. Say it all within 5 simple and short sentences. It does not have to be perfect. You are not scored in the validity of your argument. There are no right or wrong answers, there is no need to factual data. What is required, is a clear presentation of your English comprehension skills, your ability to explain yourself as you would during a class recitation, and your talent for doing so quickly in an understandable manner. Nothing else matters.
So, while you presented an excellent academic paper here, you did not really write a paper that would help you pass a task 2 essay exam.
@Holt Thank you for your detailed feedback ^^ However, it's my fault that I forgot to include that this essay was written under the form of my national English contest which required about 350 words. Considering that limited word count, is my essay well developed yet?