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Providing financial support for elders is the responsibility of governments or not?

sa_228 3 / 2  
Jan 5, 2014   #1
Hi, I am a novice. Help me to enhance my poor writing skill.
Thanks a lot ;)
Sa Kul

Governments should not have to provide care or financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement and support him or herself.

Agree or disagree?

My essay:

People have different views on whether or not governments should help senior citizens. Although I accept the idea we all have a responsibility to save money for retirement, I disagree with the idea that elderly people should receive no support from governments.

There are several reasons why people should have obligation for their retirement instead of expecting pension from governments. First of all, if people receive no money from government when they retire, by no means do they waste their wages to nonsense activities to save for their future when they were young. It's undeniable that younger will spend most of their money to shopping, travelling, or even activities harm to society such as illegal racing and gambling as a result of feeling peace of mind with government's support. Furthermore, mitigation government's burden is one of advantages of no support for senior citizens. When governments no need to pay pension, they could be save a huge of money and use this money to invest to the next generations or upgrade infrastructure. Therefore, government support no money to elderly not only helps young generation use money wisely to saving but also saves money for young generation.

Some observes might say it is unfair for people if they do not receive any support from government when they retire. There are many people have low salary therefore they can't save a significant amount of money for their retirement. Besides, many retired people spend their whole life to building countries. With their devotion they deserve to be received pension as well as they have right to ask for healthcare system from government.

In conclusion, government should give sufficient money to retired for their living but not too abundant. This is an equitable way for senior citizens as well as ensure budget to promote young generation.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jan 19, 2014   #2
First, this essay should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum and hope you'll follow these instruction when opening your future threads. Also, it is better to mention the purpose (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title itself so that others can provide you more task related comments.

You write well. However, I feel that you can further improve the structure.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jan 19, 2014   #3
You take the position of disagreeing with the statement. i.e. you hold the view that governments have an obligation to provide financial support for elders. So, in the body paragraphs, you should keep supporting your position. There is no point in discussing the other side of the argument unless your prompt requests you to do so. This prompt is an Agree/ Disagree type and therefore you can take one position and give reasons to justify your position.

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