Unanswered [2] | Urgent [1] - SERVICES

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

Psychologist's statement that parents and teachers hold a paramount role to control children. IELTS

ainirere /  
Apr 28, 2016   #1
Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.

The violent crime among young people under 18 has increased recently. Some psychologists argue that lack of social interaction and emotional learning from their parents and teacher are the main reason of this case. In my point of view, I strongly agree that this issue is owing to lack attention from their parents and teachers.

Parents and teachers are figures with whom the children get into knowing the world. First of all, I will discuss of parents side in which they hold an important responsibility to take care of children at home. Today's, many parents are workaholic. Most of their time spent outside home, therefore togetherness with their children becomes less. However, children need more affection and attention from their parents. Feeling loneliness and lack of support then appear upon children's self. As a consequent, children become vulnerable and thus they plunge into juvenile delinquency.

While parents take responsibility to children at home, teachers take responsibility at school. Most of school today apply the modules of lesson which more emphasize to the artificial intelligence rather than the emotional intelligence. In addition, majority of teacher today teach students are merely on duty, not out of love or passion to children. As a result, many students hate their own teacher in the school. Eventually, the students do bad deeds such as insulting people and bullying at school.

To sum up, I personally agree with psychologist's statement that parents and teachers hold a paramount role to control children. In fact, more affection and attention the children get, more genuinely generous they will be. Unfortunately, many parents and teachers do not sensible to this.

Wolf Larsen - / 127 47  
Apr 28, 2016   #2
Hello ainirere

Your text is Ok, but could use applying some stylistic adjustments to it. I rewrote a few sentences/phrases for you to make the text sound better:

The violent [...] As of recently, the number of violent crimes committed by young people under the age of 18 has been on a constant rise.
that [...] the lack...
the main [...] reasons for this to be the case.
In my [...] I agree that this suggestion is indeed thoroughly plausible.
Parents [...] Parents and teachers are the ones responsible for familiarising children with the ways of the world.
First [...] First, I will discuss the parents' point of view, in this respect.
Most of [...] They simply do not have time to stay in close touch with their children.
Feeling [...] Experiencing the sensation of loneliness has a detrimental effect on children's emotional well-being.
As a [...] As a result...
responsibility to [...] responsibility for ....
Most of [...] The learning process in most schools does not allow children to develop their emotional intelligence.
majority [...] Most teachers address their professional responsibilities in the emotionally unengaged manner, which disadvantages students even further.
Eventually [...] This encourages students to indulge in the anti-social behavior, such as bullying.
with [...] the ...
role [...] in controlling children.
In fact, [...] the more... children [...] receive, the more...
teachers [...] do not pay much attention to this consideration.

I hope it helped. Regards.
justivy03 - / 2,371 607  
Apr 28, 2016   #3
Hi Rere, I would like to share additional insights to your essay with the focus on the last two paragraphs.

- responsibility toin taking care of their children
- Most of the schools today
- which put more
- emphasizeemphasis to the
- In addition, majority of the teachers - students are merely onout of duty,
- and bullying atin school.

- In fact, the more affection
- get, the more
- teachers doare not

There you have it Rere, I hope I was able to add a few more insights to your essay and create a valuable and stronger essay. For future writing reference, the links and ideas in the sentences needs to transition smoothly, therefore, the details should be intact and minor corrections while proof reading will definitely help.
OP ainirere /  
Apr 29, 2016   #4
Thank you victor and ivy it helps me much :)
justivy03 - / 2,371 607  
Apr 29, 2016   #5
Hi Rere, it's an absolute pleasure working on your essays and writing articles.
I believe you are able to come up with good essays and writing articles, if there's one thing that I would like to suggest, it's that you have to try to keep the words of your essay simple, this will keep the readers interest in reading the essay all through out.

Moreover, the simplicity of your essay would mean that you are able to comprehend well with what the topic is asking you to write. This would also mean that you are able to come up with a writing article that is more appropriate, modern and with sense of reality of todays world.

There you have it Rere, I hope we will continue to read and review your writing and provide you with accurate notes as well as insights with impact.
justivy03 - / 2,371 607  
May 1, 2016   #6
Hi rere, no worries at all, we are here to be of service to you.
Now, before I go, I would like to share a few techniques to get better at writing and exercising the language.

- Know your topic, learn it, research it and understand it.
This is because, the more you understand the prompt, the better you get at writing it and providing the necessary information.
The moment you mastered answering the prompt directly, the better the creations will be.

- Mind the flow of the ideas
Make sure that the ideas you include in your essay is logical enough, with proper sequence as well and it should have the character that is needed to make the essay stand out. Meaning, the events should be in proper order, the beginning of the story, the body and the conclusion

- be personal
Own your essay, speak to it from the heart and the rest will follow through.
Remember, your essay is the reflection of your being, the representation of your thoughts and ideas, it doesn't matter if you are just answering a prompt, what matters is that, the essay has sense and has a heart.

I hope this is just a good start and you will be better in the next ones, keep writing.

Home / Writing Feedback / Psychologist's statement that parents and teachers hold a paramount role to control children. IELTS