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Public celeberations such as festivals, holidays... shouldn't be financed by governments


Dear all!
This is my essay for IELTS writting task 2. Could you please spend your time on reading and comment whether or not it is ok? thanks and I hope to receive your feedbacks and recommendations. Thank you :)

Question:
Many people think that public celebrations (like national holidays, festivals, etc.) are a waste of money and that the government should spend these funds in a better way.

Do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and examples from personal experience where appropriate.


money for public celeberations



Essay:
Nowaday, it is universally acknowledged that the expenditure goverments spent on public celeberations is enormous, which is due to the amount of funds for organizing and the loss in productivity as on these national holidays, employees are off from work. Therefore, many people think that these funds should be spent judiciouly on alternative ways instead of on these public holidays. Personally, I strongly disagree with this opinion.

First and foremost, it is undeniable that the productivity is lost when employees are off freom work. However, that loss is incomparable with the amount and quality of work performed after they have a relaxing holidays with their families. It is obvious after some days away from work, worker get more energy, beter working spirit and morale, which are vital for the enterprise's development. For instance, in Vietnmam, due to the Labour Day, employees have relaxing time with their families and friends, thus, when being back to work, they are more energetic and work harder.

Moreover, public holidays are the time for a country to consolidate the national spirit and they show the rememberance of the victory, or the important events of one nation in the past. Due to these public celeberations, every citizens of a country may feel prouder and stronger as they are united. For example, the Independent Day is when all Vietnamese citizens show their respect and gratitude to the sacred moment of victory. For these morale values, it is impossible to abolish the organization of the national holidays.

To recapitulate, due to the relevant improvement in productivity and the morale values, the public celeberations must be remained and organized judiciously by the governments to ensure the mentioned outcomes.

Your essay is good to me. I have some suggestions to improve your essay:
- In the introduction, you stated that public celebrations are considered a waste of money because of"the amount of fund for organizing and the loss in productivity, so you can outline your essay based on the two reasons, explain why each reason is not right.

+ 2nd paragraph: expenditure on organizing these celebrations is an investment because we can gain money from tourist industry -> example: on Tet holiday people tend to spend more money, festivals can attract tourists from other countries blablabla :))

+ 3rd paragraph: productivity is actually not lost because: people produce more goods for other people to buy on holidays/festivals/national celebrations -> boost the market. Other supporting ideas are already presented in your essay.

+ there is nothing wrong with the idea"to consolidate the national spirit", just keep it :D
+ the conclusion is quite short. It is not a paragraph. You should restate the problem again, emphasize your answer and your reasons (according to my writing style :v).

Hope this help. Good luck!
Thank @Tran Minh Hien for your detailed and useful comments. I need to take them into consideration and practise more to improve my writing. Hope to receive your feedbacks for next essays.
Oct 11, 2017   #4
Helen, there are only 2 problems with the essay that you wrote. Both of which you can easily avoid in the future. The first problem, is that you began an immediate discussion of the essay prompt when the opening paragraph requires a prompt paraphrase, without an actual discussion instead. Therefore, your opening paragraph should have been like this:

With all of the government funded festivities that occur in a year, most people believe that the government is not spending tax funds in a proper manner. They believe that the government must be more responsible in spending the budget allotted to the government. I agree with this statement for several reasons. In this essay, I shall discuss a few of those reasons and support the presentation with my personal knowledge whenever possible.

The first rule of the Task 2 essay is, always properly restate the prompt requirements. If you fail to do that, as you did in this essay, there will be a great tendency for your TA score to be either low or failing in score. If you get the latter, then your whole essay automatically fails. Lucky for you that your succeeding paragraph discussions were right on the mark. More than the maximum allowable of 5 sentences per paragraph, but still, well thought out and developed. Just remember discuss the paragraph topics with less sentences next time.

By the way, your concluding paragraph had the opposite problem. You came in with a run-on sentence instead. For scoring purposes, always use the minimum 3, maximum 5 sentence ruling. One long sentence will not increase your chances at a higher final score but 5 short but significant sentences will accomplish that.
@Holt: Thanks so much for your detailed and useful comments and instructions. I have noted them down to practise and improve my writting. Thanks again and hope to receive your support for my coming essays.


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