Topic: Some people say that the best way to improve health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required
new spaces for sports and for health
Nowadays, public health improvement has recently become a great concern all around the world. While some argue that an increase in the number of sports facilities is the best way, I believe that there are other measures which have more impact on the improvement of public health.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that increasing sports facilities is essential for the public health because playing sports is the best as well as the easiest way to improve our health. However, the majority of people do not have enough free time to travel a long distance to the sports center although they are actually keen on playing sports. A survey of Youth newspaper reveals that near 30% residents in Ho Chi Minh city do not play sport because the sports centers are too far from their houses. As a result, the higher number of sports facilities will probably increase the rate of people doing exercise. This can lead to the improvement of public health.
On the other hand, there are other measures which have a better effect on our health. While increasing sports facilities require an enormous amount of money, there are many cheaper ways. For example, providing more sports equipment in the local parks also encourages people to exercise while reducing the cost. Moreover, besides physical activities, having a healthy diet is also crucial. Educating people about the harmful effect of fast food, smoking and alcohol by using multi-media is actually one of the best ways to improve personal health and the public health in general.
P/S can you guess my ielts band score as well, thank you very much
the revised essay is shown in this figure.
the revised essay is shown in this figure.
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Nguyen, you cannot be accurately scored on this essay because of the incomplete original prompt instructions that you delivered. I know that thee are some advisers who say that 2 sentences in an opening and concluding statement is enough for the test. I have tutored many other students who follow my method of using at least 3 sentences in the opening and concluding statement in order to help increase their TA, LR, C&C, and GRA scores. They pass their tests with a band score of 7.5 and up. That is because they use the word count, paragraph requirement, and sentence requirement accurately enough to portray their English comprehension and sentence development skills. Your completed essay does not accomplish that. You are also missing a concluding statement in this essay. You only have 3 paragraphs in your essay which is not very good. In order to gain a higher score, you need to write at least 4 paragraphs or 300 words.
Now, since you did not include the instruction regarding the type of discussion that you are to present in your essay, I cannot advise you regarding corrections in that aspect. The method of essay writing as indicated in the prompt requirement would have helped me judge your essay on an overall basis. At this point, I can't even do it on a per criteria basis because I do not know if your approach to the discussion is within the required parameters of the instructions.
The missing concluding statement also prevents me from accurately judging your essay with a probable score. Please make sure to provide the full original prompt with your next essay if you want to be scored accurately on it. Right now, I can tell you that this essay has major development issues and missing elements so it will not get a passing score in an actual setting.
Hi, I think you may make more effort on structure of the essay because the conclusion is missing. Other than this point, you should be more careful about the question. In the third parapargh, you mentioned there are alternatives to sports facilities, but you did not explain why sports facilities have little effect on the public health. I hope these opinions can help.
To sum up, although increasing the number of sports facilities are a good way to improve the public health, it requires a huge sum of money. Moreover, there are range of measures which could have better impacts on our health while the costs are far lower.
I forgot to copy the last paragraph from MS word to here. Actually, I think that I didnt explain the reason why sports facilities have litlte effect. Thank you too much for all your help and your advice