Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

More public parks or sports facilities should be built in new towns rather than shopping centers?


NhungDuong 1 / 1  
Sep 9, 2017   #1
Topic: When new towns are planned, it is important to build more public parks or sports facilities rather than shopping centers for people to spend their free time. To what extend do you agree?

parks, sport facilities and shopping centers projects



Some people argue that when new towns are built up, it is more necessary to construct public parks or sport facilities instead of shopping centers. Personally, I agree that building public parks and sport facilities should be encouraged in new living areas. However, I also believe that launching shopping mall is indispensable in the areas, because each item brings different benefits for society.

On the one hand, building public parks and sport centers is the necessity that will provide people places to do exercises or outdoor activities such as jogging, running, or cycling and so on. This helps residents to be more energetic and their body is relaxed after a long day of a sequence of stressful and pressure works, even, doing exercises help people to prevent the risk of diseases such as diabetes, obesity, or high blood pressure. Therefore, people's health will be improved and the average longevity of population will be higher. Another reason that advocates the idea is boosting interaction among people. Public parks will be places where people have chance to meet others and socialize with them. This is also another effective way that allows residents to relieve stress and pressure.

On the other hand, shopping centers play a vital role in society and they are indispensable in any living regions. That is because shopping malls are considered as suppliers of different kinds of product for people that are used to serve their lives such as foods, cloths, and so on. Thus, to meet the diverse needs of products of people, shopping malls should be invested and built on new town. Moreover, running shopping malls will bring benefits for society. Taxes that government collects from these centers will be used to invest in others such as health care, traffic system, education, etc, and citizens are beneficiaries from this.

In conclusion, parks, sport facilities and shopping centers are the indispensable projects, which government should invest to them, because they own many advantages that society and individuals are beneficiaries.

_________________
Please, make comments on my text. Thank you in advance.

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Sep 9, 2017   #2
Nhung, when the essay asks for the "extent" of your agreement / disagreement with the essay, you must include a sense of emotion in your presentation. That means, you need to use terms like "strongly, partially, totally," and other descriptive terms that follow the same lines. To simply say that you "agree" with the point being discussed means you are discussing a different essay. There is an essay that asks you to simply agree / disagree, and then there are essays like these, which require you to discuss an expanded version of your opinion. So, if you say that you "partially agree" with the points being made and conclude the sentence with "several reasons", then you can discuss both sides of the essay. Otherwise, you must only discuss one side of the essay, the side that you support.

While you can discuss both sides of the essay in an "extent" essay, the best type of essay response in this area is one that has a strong opinion regarding one side of the discussion. That is because the single sided discussion shows a conviction of character and a thorough understanding of the prompt requirements. Such a discussion also allows the writer to create more completely developed paragraphs and complex sentences with better vocabulary usage. It is important that you discuss the essay from your strongest suit and that can only be done by using the one sided "extent" discussion. It is the lack of proper reference to the response required that made this otherwise strong essay a weak one.

The closing paragraph, which did not accurately represent the summary of the discussion, points for consideration, and a restatement of your opinion further weakened the essay. You should have aimed to present 3 sentences in the conclusion in order to properly address the complete paragraph requirement of the essay. It is better to write 3 - 5 sentences individually than to risk creating run-on sentences that could lower your score. You created a run on sentence in your closing paragraph, which means you would be getting points deducted in the end.
OP NhungDuong 1 / 1  
Sep 10, 2017   #3
Thank you for your valuable advice.


Home / Writing Feedback / More public parks or sports facilities should be built in new towns rather than shopping centers?