Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

IELTS Essay Task 2 Public spending on arts is a waste of money, agree or not?


Catherine88 1 / -  
Sep 25, 2018   #1

funds on public services only instead of the arts?



Title: Some people think that governments should only focus their spending on public services, and they claim that spending on arts is a waste of money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

My work:
Some people hold the belief that the public money should only be spent on public sectors, such as education and health care, and the money is wasted if it is spent on arts. I completely disagree with this statement and I personally believe it is as important to spend money on arts as on public services.

The first reason why I believe so is that just as public services, the arts industry is directly linked to people' wellbeing. While health care services ensure people's physical fitness, arts, which relax and entertain people, can guarantee people's mental and psychological health. Studies have shown that people are less likely to be involved in mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety if they have a longer contact time with arts. In this regard, the funding on arts is as necessary as that on public services.

More than that, another cogent reason to fund on arts is that the input can create revenues and boost the economy. For example, a remote village in Korea has become a famous tourist spot and attracted millions of tourists a year just because the local authority encouraged the creation on arts, especially on painting, and the whole village has been coated with colorful pictures. The village has thrived due to the spending on arts, and without this practice, it would otherwise stay underprivileged. There are many other cities around the globe have earned fame and fortune through developing arts in local areas, including building majestic museums or holding great concerts. In contrast, the money spent on public services can hardly see any economic outcomes.

In conclusion, I totally disagree with that we should only spend on public services instead of the arts. On the contrary, I personally believe investing public money on arts is as significant as allocating grants on public sectors because it not only ensures people's mental health but also can be profitable and make the local prosperous.

Thank you.

KROBERT 3 / 5 1  
Sep 25, 2018   #2
Thank you Catherine for the great ideas you have exhibited in your piece.
I would make some few corrections in the text according to how I think the essay could sound better.

Where you say: "Studies have shown that people are less likely to be involved in mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety if they have a longer contact time with arts."

I would rather say: "Studies have shown that people are likely to suffer from mental illness such as depression or anxiety if they engage more in arts related activities."

Thank you once again and I wish you all the best
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,709 3056  
Sep 26, 2018   #3
Catherine, there are four ways to approach an extent essay:
1. I completely agree
2. I completely disagree
3. I partially agree
4. I partially disagree

Based upon your given explanation, the approach you should have taken is "I partially disagree". The reason is that when the term "completely" comes into the extent response, you are not given any room to create a partial comparative or totally comparative opinion discussion. Since your response indicates that you see reason for both sides of the discussion, then your response should have been along the partial stance.

Another error in your discussion is that you gave reason immediately, within the prompt paraphrase for your response. The prompt paraphrase, for all intents and purposes should never house your reasoning for a given discussion as there is not enough room to build your supporting presentation within the 5 sentence maximum paragraph. If done properly, the prompt paraphrase should be 3 sentences long at the most. Composed of :

1. Topic for discussion
2. Reason for discussion
3. Discussion instruction (optional)
4. Response to the thesis statement

You wrote 2 sentences which were composed of run on sentences each time. You will lose points for extremely long sentences that should obviously have been presented as 2 individual sentences instead.

What I do see in your writing is the potential to develop properly presented reasoning paragraphs. Provided you properly represent the response to the given question. That means, you need to familiarize yourself with the discussion instructions and how to respond to these in writing. You should not lack for references and examples at this forum in case you want to learn more about how to write the Task 2 essays. Ample advice is also given based on the errors of the writer from which I am sure you will gain useful writing tips and additional learning.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Task 2 Public spending on arts is a waste of money, agree or not?