punishment is effective yet unnecessary
Being parents of our children, there is no doubt that people always want to provide them with the best resources in order to assist them to grow up and acquire knowledge well. When it comes to how to educate them, some people believe that punishment is crucial in their learning journey. From my perspective, however, I do not agree with this opinion.
First, punishment is effective yet unnecessary. People may consider it is beneficial to teach the children distinguish between right and wrong when they are young, and in fact, it does. Nevertheless, children can actually gain the exact same concept without being punished. As a student who has taken several courses about education in college, I have learned many teaching methods utilizing reward instead of punishment. For example, when a student doessomething right, the teacher can give him a candy so that he knows his conduct was fine. On the other hand, if he does something wrong, the teacher can make him notice it simply by removing the reward, which will be a candy in the same context.
Secondly, it may hurt the children and even cause trauma not only physically but mentally if we misuse punishment. Unfortunately, most people were not trained to become a professional teacher, which raises the risk of punishing children in an inappropriate way, making our children afraid of making mistakes, and become too conservative or shy in the future.
In conclusion, I do not agree that punishment is a necessary strategy in terms of teaching children, and it can be replaced by giving rewards, which brings about the same result. In addition, it will be risky for people who are not skilled enough. Therefore, it will be much safer and better to reward more, and punish less.
I am an IELTS Learner and I want to give some of my thoughts on your essay.
Personally, I really like your first argument. It has clear reasoning with persuasive supporting ideas and example.
However, your third paragraph is too short. It is important to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Your third paragraph fails to accomplish that.
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Your first reasoning paragraph should have discussed your personal opinion with regards to the extent that a child should be punished and how that punishment should be carried out. You are not to speak from the point of view of an educator or a parent, you are to speak from the point of view of a person who has received punishments from both types of people.
Good job on discussing the right and wrong lessons from a teachers point of view. Adding that you took education lessons further highlights the authority and validity of this type of reward and punishment method. That paragraph is the most solid in this discussion.
The lack of personal point of view and the lack of parental punishment discussion are what affected your presentation in a negative way. You should have a 5 paragraph essay that has 3 reasoning discussions. Always count the discussion requirements for the essay. In this case you have:
That means, when you include the introductory and concluding paraphrase, there should be 5 paragraphs completely developed and presented in the discussion.
Your introductory paraphrase is incomplete / incorrect as you did not reference the discussion points properly. You also failed to give an extent response to the question provided in the original prompt. As such, your essay will be seen as not fully developed, not totally representative of the given discussion, and only partly responsive the given discussion points.
I'm also preparing my IELTS. As a English learner, I think it is a good essay. However, I would like to give you comment with two mistakes that I just found in your essay.
1. You have to use "on the other hand" always with "on the one hand" since you could not separate them.
2. "reward more, and punish less." I think you could also use "reward more, instead of punishment." in your conclusion paragraph.